i dont know what the fuck to think or what the fuck to do. i put myself through so much bull shit for nothing. nobody is worth anything. i'm alone in this world. it's me. that's it. i can't stop putting myself in these embarrassing situations.

i love jeff, so much.
i can't keep doing this.

Oh my God. Great, good-looking boys do exist. I'm pretty sure I got mini butterflies tonight. Something which hasn't happened in a VERY long time.

i'm only updating because it's been too long that I haven't. Life is always weird. I need to grow up and quit being lazy. I need a change in attitude; it's slowly but surely coming along. I've been getting into a heap of trouble as of late. Maybe not lately, maybe I always have been but it's finally caught up. I owe a lot of money all over the place and it's nobody's fault but my own reckless spending. I have been slightly more careful with where my money goes, but clearly not careful enough. I'm about to pay my traffic tickets. I finally learned my lesson when it comes to the law. I don't speed anymore, I don't talk on the phone while driving, I try not to ride people's asses, and I am no longer vandalizing anything that isn't mine. I'm tired for paying for my carelessness. I've always been a bit of a rebel, but it's okay to be a good law-abiding girl. Ha! Gettin' old. Aside from that, I owe tons of money to my credit cards. It's driving me mad and I'm completely scared that I'm going to get in more trouble about them. It's so hard to balance and make payments on time when I have so many people and companies reaching out into my pockets. I know I'll get out of this somehow. I hope.

I've been wearing the same 1 contact in my 1 eye, and nothing in the other for about 2 months now. I am an absolute idiot. I guarantee I'm ruining my eyesight as I type. Make a fucking appointment. It isn't that hard.

What kind of Sinem blog would this be if I didn't speak of my "love" life? It seems this is all I ever talk about. Nobody cares. Quit bothering people with it. I have a stupid blog for a reason. Anyway.. love won't go away, and it's partially because I haven't tried hard enough yet. We always find our way back to each other and it's unfair. He basically cheated on me. He was intimate with a much younger girl that I know. He hurt me and didn't give a shit. He's kissed on everyone and everyone else. He never tried to get me back. So what the fuck am I doing? Why am I thinking about him and wondering why he doesn't miss me, or why he doesn't tell me he likes me. Am I out of my fucking mind? I've become a professional with pushing any real emotion into the bottom of my body and pretending it doesn't exist. It's sick how I could sleep with this boy, be in love with him, but not get upset that he is probably kissing somebody else on his drunk nights out. I'm pretty disgusting to do this to myself. But like I said, it doesn't bother me as much as it should. I'm being real selfish and telling him not to kiss on anyone else and to let me know when he does so I can bounce (for what? another month again?). Meanwhile, I, myself, always seem to have somebody asking me out on a date. This time it's a really attractive boy, my age. I almost don't want to go out with him because I'm a little scared. What if I like him? What if boy decides to change and wants to commit? Why am I even thinking of going back with boy? I'll never trust him. I'll never forgive him. Everything he tells me is with an alternate motive. Everything is a secret game. His mind is so complex it needs decoding. And I'm the biggest fool I know. I'll always miss him. I sometimes wish I could erase.