i'm not a party animal; i wish i could be.


oh; and sometimes i forget that i never want him back in my life.
and i hope he'll come get me at those times;
but then i'm glad he doesn't.

I went to see The Sleeping tonight; it was great. Going to the city then just watching an awesome band; I missed it a whole lot. Just being surrounded by a crowd I fit in with was refreshing from showing older women or younger girls which bronzer is their perfect shade. Every time I see The Sleeping I develop a huge crush on Doug, hahaha. Definitely adorable.

I'm happy to say I am absolutely fine. I'm having a great time.

Well, hanging out with new boys is a weird feeling. I can't decide if it's something I like or not. I suppose it's just awkward because I'm not used to it yet. Nonetheless; tonight was interesting.

i tried so fucking hard. fuck my last entry. he's never going to find a girl like me every again. he's not going to find a girl "mentally stimulating". he's plain crazy and it isn't worth my sanity! I would do anything for the boy I loved, but not if he doesn't love me back. When he doesn't love me, it's time to force the memories to die. All this time I wasted thinking we still had a chance;all the shit he told me. He's just like his friends and just like every other guy. No girl will give him the same feelings I did, and I'm excited for him to spend his life searching for it again. I'm also excited for when his friends fall in love, and he's still searching. I hope I'll have met somebody new by then, so I won't come running back. I've already blocked all communication from him except by telephone; however his number is deleted.. so enough of him not texting me will get his number out completely. Once I hit 21, I'm going to party more often and spend more nights drunk. Until then; I have to hold on to my dignity and keep this promise to myself: NO MORE.


Someone else will love me. He can keep pretending that i don't mean anything.

I've decided I'm going to life my life on my own. I'm not so afraid of dieing alone anymore. It's become an inevitability for me. Jeff is selfish, arrogant, mean, unthoughtful, insecure; I can't tell anyone why I love him, but I know he's always been perfect; somehow. He's done nothing for me in over a year, never even gave me a ear when I needed to talk or a helping hand when I needed help standing up, because it's always been about him. I can't explain why I'm head over heals. I'll always think he's the best. I'm dieing inside because I know this is the time when I really have to finish the job and let him go. I cannot cry every night, it's too difficult to put on a smile for everybody else the next day. I'll never meet somebody like him. I'll live my life alone. It can't be any worse than the feeling I already have. I already know this is going to be extremely difficult... to cut contact. I'm always the one trying to speak. I won't speak anymore. He gets what he wants. Himself.

Today was absolutely horrendous. Minus waking up to Jeff's gorgeous face and doing some sick makeup, but I'll get into those a little later. On my way to a photo shoot, my car started smoking terrible. I got scared but continued on my way; stalled once but made it to the parking garage by Stacy's loft. Dad checked it out while I was at my photo shoot and said it was fine, so after the shoot I picked up my car and started heading home. I got lost in Brooklyn, 411 helped me find my way, car starts smoking again, car dies middle of Sunrise Highway. Terrible. A mack truck almost hit me. A guy and a cop pushed me to the gas station. So I was having a cigarette on the side and some guy offered me a ride.. even though I said I was alright, and kept asking me to come over to his car. HELL NO.. my brother came to pick me up. My motor is done; my car is done. I'm fucked.

Last night I hung out with Jeff again, and I'm so happy to know I wasn't crazy all along. I knew there was a reason I never left. And I'm so glad that I did have that feeling. I'll never give up on him, because I know he doesn't really want me to. I love him. and he loves me. And one day, we'll be together for real.

The photoshoot went awesome-ly. The makeup came out PERFECT. I cannot wait to see the images. I think I'm stacy's official makeup artist now. :D I loveeee working with her. I wish I could just do shoots with her all day every day. Lovelovelove it.

I talked to this guy today at work. We talked for awhile, I liked his company, he liked mine. He was SUPER cute. I helped him pick a cologne for himself and his father. We flirted, exchanged names.. and that was it. I got nervous and asked "so! you have everything you're looking for? great, register is right there". So all I have is a name. What do I do with a name?

Sinem... you're an idiot.

It's quite ridiculous how my life works out. Everyday I've been dieing to do anything; today I finally have something to do, and I'd rather be home cleaning my room and listening to music.. just chillin.

This constant headache is a reminder to myself that you're still gone. I feel like it isn't the right thing to do, but I want to give up so bad. I'm doubtful that I'll be alright. This diary is my only outlet right now. I have nobody to speak to and nobody to hold on to. Not a friend or a lover in sight. My artistic stereotype is beginning to surface: the tortured loner who often cries herself to sleep, and escapes her frenzied thoughts through her literature and color. My mask I've worked so hard to build has chipped off piece by piece. You'd think that was a good thing, but I'm not proud of who I am. My mind is just as complex and thoughtful as yours, but for some reason I don't embrace it. I'm envious that your brain makes you an intellect. Mine makes me a sad girl. It's insane that I've forgotten who I really was. I never wanted to remember. I'm finding comfort from bands like Death Cab and Cursive. It helps being able to relate to the feelings of another, especially because sometimes a happy song will follow a sad one; and then I know, everything will one day be okay.

I decided tonight I'm staying alive; Kicking and screaming.

...and then he says, "Jump!"; and I respond, "How high?"

Artsy.

I feel artistic. And inspired.
I'm too dramatic, might as well put it to good use.
I feel lame.


"Wait; Hold on! You cannot leave me here alone!"
The words stuck in her throat like cupids arrow in her heart.
Her speech is bound by the awkward following of his frown.
His stringy gray hair drapes his sunken eyes, like a curtain masking what's inside.
He kisses her forehead and shuts the gate, there isn't a spoken a goodbye.
Hands clasped against the bars of the old metal barrier, she vows to the sky of never letting go.

Pale and thin and shriveled and weak; there is her beloved gate-keeper.
The wind blows his hair from his wrinkled face exposing his saddened eyes.
The tears fall down filling the lines of his skin
A man with a secret she can never know.
The gate was never locked; she was right there all along.

I had an emotionally rough day yesterday, and I let myself get to myself. It's nobody's fault but my own. I did a whole lot of thinking and came to a plethora of conclusions and philosophies. I understand Jeff, I think. Hopefully one day he will gain his trust in me again, and he will open up and let me know how he really feels. Pressuring him is not the way to do it. I know he is hurt and I know he must have his own insecurites. When I act like a child and called him all those names and said those nasty things, even though it was out of anger.. it was terrible. He has never called me anything nasty. I've always been the wrong one. I've been pointing out his 'faults' and blaming everything on him. The fact of the matter is: it was my fault all along. Maybe one day I can be the mature intellectual woman he deserves. Or maybe I'll live life missing him. Either way, I'm sure things will be alright. Everything happens for a reason, no?

FUCKFUCKFUCK JUST FUCK EVERYONE AND EVERY FUCKING THING. I'm tired of being a secret. I'm tired of not knowing. I'm tired of being there when he wants. I'm happy when I'm with him but it isn't worth it, to be somebody's play thing. He's happy when I'm there, and he's happy when I'm not. I want to know when he is the happiest.

i don't know what to think.

Jeff helped me realize, my main focus in life is finding success, and he asked why. I really thought about it and now I know. Everything comes with my success. I could take care of everyone I love, I could be artistic and expand my imagination, and I could inspire. Many more reasons too.

I've been happy all week but not really at the same time. It's hard to explain what I feel and think. I've stayed over with him the past 2 nights. I can't keep away from him. We are hanging out more, but not too much. Which is nice, but we aren't working towards a relationship again; which isn't so nice. He has such a complex mind that I cannot completely understand. I want to get into his head and figure out what is true and what is not, but I realize I can't. He doesn't talk much about his thoughts to me, and I know he likes it that way. I think he wants me to know nothing and to not have a plan. That scares me, because I'm afraid of the unknown. It's hard to believe he's only attracted physically to me.

I have the worst mind. I don't think I'll ever love anybody ever again, Jeff is the only one who I feel that special something with and he makes me happy. So, for now I'll just be happy. I know he's probably seeing other girls, and it makes me feel a little low that I've let myself become "the other girl", but whatever. It's also a little disappointing that I'm a secret. Not going to lie, it's a little sexy at the same time. In that i'm better kinda way.

Also heard I've been discussed in a not so nice way by some kids. It doesn't so much hurt me, but brings about insecurities I guess.