I wonder if it's real to have a phobia of change and being alone places. I have a mini to a full blown panic attack depending on the seriousness of the situation at hand. I'm so nervous about going to sephora school for 10 hours by myself. I hate meeting new people unless I'm with Nicole or Jeff. I hope it's not as bad as I'm making it out to be.

I want a fucking life. I hate working all the time. I hate feeling grown up. I want to party, I want to meet new people and I want to stay out late and sleep in late. I want to pull all nighters more often and I want to travel. Fuck credit cards, fuck life.


I'm angry.

Temptation is so hard to resist; especially when feelings are still 100% there from one side. 50% from the other? Ehhh not so great.

I had a great time at the party making new friends and acquaintances. Unfortunately, I couldn't find an attraction to anyone there, except one. However I've been there and done that; over him. Am I too selective? Shallow? Or am I really meant for you-know-who? I'll find out with time.

Speaking of which; 6am hangout was so fun. I never have such a great time with anyone else (besides Nicole). I cannot believe how different Jeff looks. It made me wish I looked different too so he could "ooo-and-ahh" about me too! Hehe. It's absolutely unbelievable that I cannot resist this boy. And I love that he has a difficult time resisting me. We are like pure sexiness together, and it's exciting. LOLZ. But for real, I'll leave it at that. No expectations; Just excitement and surprises.

Here's a real entry

So; tonight is the night that life picks back up for me. Unfortunately, it's going to slow right back fucking down but it's okay for now. I'm going to a party tonight and I'm really counting on it to boost up my mentality and mood. I'm not feeling ugly though. For once in my lifetime I feel so fucking pretty. I like how I look, I think I'm special and unique; I dress nice and always smell pretty. :] I don't take as long as I used to to get ready anymore too! (That's actually a major accomplishment!) Oh, and I don't feel the need to shop all the time anymore HAHA.

I'm not so sure why I still feel so down if it's not so much my physical looks. I'm not so offended about being rejected for the millionth time anymore, because I have no reason to be. I know what I am and I am certainly better. The fact that somebody doesn't notice yet makes it his loss, not mine. I do however, feel a little dumb. I always thought I was able to hold down a conversation, but I've realized I really can't. I don't keep up with the important and the dumb shit in the world;* it's a shame. Not because I care, because I have nothing to tell anyone. What I can offer, like a smile at a joke or an ear to listen to, is not enough. I listen, I hug, I laugh, I cry... I don't have useless information or bad jokes to tell and I don't have good advice to give. Soo, when I do talk.. I'm usually talking about how my day went, what I saw, what I did, what I heard. I suppose that's even more useless than talking about what I learned from the news. Fuck, I'm always wrong.

*I've got a newfound love for the semicolon; I always use it and it makes me happy for some reason.

random bursts really suck.

I'm in a terrible mood all the time. Sounded like a fucking idiot in the morning. It's hard not to try to sound like a tough guy when you're embarrassed for being as pathetic as I am. I'm actually very disgusted also; and nervous. Shitty feelings.

I'm quitting smoking again starting last night. I think my reasoning is so I can gain some self-control back. No more smoking a whole pack when under stress and bringing me one step closer to my death. From now on, I'm dealing with my shit head on; under nothing or no one else's control but my own.

Capital today.
All the bands last night were amazing.
Good to go to shows again. I missed music.

probably one of my crankiest nights; and I took it out on everyone else. Have Heart is awesome.

I think I'm going to have a wet dream about Batman and Joker tonight. I'm excited. HAHAHA.

At least we both know there are no emotions involved.

A few entries back, I said "friends don't come easy". It's so true. Girls are bitches, as proven by Nicole's situation; and the boys? I love hanging with them because I feel relaxed and that I fit in, but they all just want to bone. It's frustrating. Everytime I think I have a friend, I start getting flirty texts and hearing they just want to fuck. I'm glad I still have Nicole.

fuck it.

I can't ever stop wondering "what went wrong"? It's a puzzle that seems it will never be solved. Nobody is good enough for me. Nobody is you. I need answers and I never get any. I really hate the selfishness. On top of that, I'm hearing more and more rumors; about things you've lied about throughout our relationship. It's shitty that I put my whole heart, body, and soul into you.

nothing is wrong, but I feel so sad. I need a hug, but I don't want anyone to touch me. I've realized I was desperate for attention when I agreed to let an ex take me out. I refuse to call it a date, but who am I kidding. We all know it is going to feel like one, and when he leans in for the kiss I'm going to have to think of a quick excuse to back down. "I have a cold sore" might work. What do I care if it sounds gross? Or maybe I could just wear a bright lipstick.

Nothing is making sense. I'm dieing to go back to the psychic (even though being there scares the living crap out of me). I wish I could prove fate wrong, and change the way my life ends up. I want to ask about how his life will turn out. I want to know if he'll me a miserable person for the rest of his life. I hope not. I can't ever stop wondering how his life will unravel. If his family will make it through hard times. If any of them will get some fucking sense in their heads.

My mom told me a year ago, "get out of the relationship, a boy with these issues will eventually be emotionally unstable and it will take it's toll on you." I told her she was wrong.

I realized today that this break-up and the fighting has ruined me. Hopefully just temporarily. I'm always feeling weak and tired; fragile. Nausea has become a regular. So angry. The guy in GNC told me I'm "definitely the person who sees the glass half empty", and it really hurt my feelings. I was never that person. I was always the hopeful.

I'm feeling pretty sick about the way Jeff thinks of me. It's hurting a little. He won't understand that what he heard isn't true because he is looking for another scapegoat. I am not a whore. I am not easy. I'm a girl. I don't know why I even care. Fuck it.

Friends don't come easy; btw.

I feel like Helga from Hey Arnold. I curse at you and bring you down to hide that I really am hurting. On top of that, it helps me believe I really hate you. I was kind of happy to hear you'll come back. Kind of disappointed I'll be marrying someone else. I guess I'll have my chance to do what you did to me.

Well, at least I'm glad I saw it coming. Now I won't wonder anymore and I won't care. Never again. I'm taking this week as my lesson learned. I don't believe we don't click, and I know he doesn't really think that. But if he's going to throw the only person that will ever care for him the way I did, then so be it. Who am I to stop him? Especially when I could be working towards finding a guy to treat me the way I treated him.

Here's to starting again and the end of this blog.

scared shitless.