I've never been so angry about not being able to capture a moment as I was last night. Everything was like a dream, and I was so scared I was going to wake up. Jeff and I went to the carnival as friends, came back as lovers again. I can't even say how happy I am to have him back. My life feels like it's back in place.

I also started Sephora today. 9 hour shifts are killer. I'm exhausted; luckily today went by pretty quickly. I hope the same for tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after, etc...
I really hope I'm making a wallet-full of money. I'm having trouble paying all of my bills this month. I owe so much money all over the place, it's ridiculous. :(

I'm feeling too sexual right now. Is it wrong that I'm dieing to feel Jeff's body against mine?
By the way; I painted this. I was clearly really distraught.

Eric told me to just chill, and that is exactly what I need to do. We talked for a really long time, I've always been so comfortable with him. He explained what happened with his past relationship; it was oddly exactly like mine. It's good hearing things from a guy's point of view-- I understand Jeff a little better, in a good and bad way. Everything will fall back into place, and I need to worry about myself. Eric told me to do something with me life, to not let somebody control the way I feel. It was probably the best advice I could get and it gave me a serious kick in the ass. I'm going to pick up my guitar and skateboard and find some shows to go to.

It's insane how quickly I lose grip of reality and spin off into an empty world. I feel like I lost my life. I was safe with him. He looked over me and took care of me without even realizing it. I don't want to go back to the person I used to be. I don't want to find comfort from a bottle or from anyone that can make me feel wanted. I hate how emotionally fucked up I am. I suppose it's the consequence of being a hopeless romantic, or just hopeless.

I can't understand what went on in my head, and I won't try to because I know there is no excuse. I've ruined a lot of good things in my life with my stupidity, but I've never ruined my whole life in a split second like I did this time. The feeling of disgust has taken over my body. I can't look in the mirror without thinking you fucking bitch. I'm ripping myself apart. Jeff doesn't deserve you, you're nothing; You're a scumbag and you're replaceable. I know I don't deserve to be forgiven but I wish he would anyway. The pain is gut-wrenching. I've felt like vomiting all day long. I think I'm in more pain than he is in. It's like knives in my throat, a frog in my stomach, and needles in my eyes. He saved me from myself, and now he's gone. Because of me. I was a wreck. I'm a mess without him. I need to run away. maybe I'll just walk..
maybe I'll drive to somewhere, I don't have money. Maybe ill just sleep in my car. I'm scared but I think I'll do it. I won't say goodbye to anyone. Everyone will wonder where I went. I want to disappear. I find myself praying to God, challenging Him to kill me because I don't have the courage to do it on my own; but I wish so badly that I were non-existent, just vanished.. gone. I feel like I'm going to cry myself into a coma. Oh God, I hope I do. If this is really the end.. I'll be gone by Monday. Not sure how, but one way... I'll vanish.

Edit: I'm scared. I'm so close to taking my bottle of migraine pills to put me to sleep. It's a gamble. Do I wake up if I do? I think he still loves me. I hope I'm not wrong. Survive for a few days. Try to get therapy before you're gone. Your mother still loves you.

i fucking hate my life, i dont believe anything i heard tonight.
i dont want any of them. i want jeff to love me as much as he used to
but he cant even pick up the god damn fucking phone.

dont even care to write about it. he's not going to take me back after the shit i said... and it's probably the best thing for me. somebody is going to really fall in love with me one day.

and i didnt cry. not one tear. i'm forcing myself out of love. i don't love you anymore.
nicole has done it and shes found someone to treat her real well.. i can too

you're stupid!!!

wow.. well, no change at all. The same stupid shit happened. I've never screamed so loud in my whole life. I've also never cried so hard in front of Nicole. Not exactly what I wanted her to see. So now it's proven though, he's not going to change for me. I'm always going to be accused of starting a fight when I don't, and I'm always wrong. I don't ever know what I'm talking about in his eyes. It's a one-way relationship with a dead end and I'm sure I've hit it. It's so simple to make everything okay too. Nicole told me to pull over cause he'll probably ask me to turn around and come back, and I told her she doesn't know Jeff. Of course, I was unfortunately right. I called to "fight" and that's what happened. I got hung up on and talked over numerous times, and even a denial of him yelling at me earlier for no reason (which he had apologized for , so it was obviously an empty unmeaningful apology.) I'm tired of this. I don't deserve this. I'm a good girlfriend.

I think this is the first unhappy entry without crying. Maybe I really am starting to get over this 'relationship'.

college drop out

I quit. Dad's going to be mad. I cannot take it though, it's just not for me. Sephora contacted me about recruiting me. I'm hoping it's a lot of money and they will eventually push me to managing and send me to work for a make-up company as a trainer/make-up artist. That would be amazing. I have high hopes, but I am worried about not going to school. I'm hoping I can find success without it.

Sinem- you really need to lose weight. A lot of it. Summer is here, and you're still a fat slob. Please start taking care of yourself.

And Jeff... I think things are different with us. I think we'll work. It's a little too soon to decide, but I'm so happy right now. Things are perfect.

!!!

I really think things will be different this time! I'm so excited.

i slept on it

....and I still feel the same. Wow, I think I'm almost there. It's sad. Any effort would save us, but there never is any. The 'I love you's and 'Sorry's don't work anymore. It's hard to see truth in them with no action. I'm exhausted.

thin ice

I'm not sure why i told him to come tonight if he cared. It would have been significant if I didn't tell him. Then it would have been proof. That's what I'd do if my relationship was on ice as thin as this. I'd come with his favorite candy and an I'm sorry note full of things I wish I'd done differently and show up by surprise to convince him to take me back. It's not quite the same. I have to stop giving him these "guidelines" to be the man he once was. It's not happening. And tonight's the night I'm finally going to accept it. Every day I come closer to that idea of a temporary[?] break that keeps dancing around in my head becoming a reality. Tonight I said it. I meant it. I mean it. He doesn't try to understand anything I feel though, to him I'm just emotional, but that's how any self-respecting girl in my place would feel when being called a bitch and yelled at about everything. I don't think if putting on a false smile will do it anymore. The ice is cracking and I can feel the water at my toes. I've never felt so much anger and pain built inside me as I did tonight when he hung up the phone while I was still talking, even though it has happened countless times before. I'm reaching the end. It could just be sadness and anger talking right now, as most of these entries usually are, but I doubt it. This break-idea seems legit.

Jeff's right; I'm always yelling and always crying about something, at least when I talk to him, or 80% of the time I'm with him. When I'm without him, I feel alone and sad... but sane. I'm hoping if this happens, he'll realize what I mean to him, whether it's a lot, or not at all. I'm praying he misses me, and appreciates what I go through and everything I do for him (for real).

I want to be respected and loved. To talk to me like a girl you care about. To seriously miss me sometimes, to be you're number one again, to want to see me smile, I want you to hurt when you make me cry. Shit. Fuck it.

I'm not keeping my fingers crossed. I'll wish, but I'm a big girl. I know there's no such things as shooting stars.