I can't understand what went on in my head, and I won't try to because I know there is no excuse. I've ruined a lot of good things in my life with my stupidity, but I've never ruined my whole life in a split second like I did this time. The feeling of disgust has taken over my body. I can't look in the mirror without thinking you fucking bitch. I'm ripping myself apart. Jeff doesn't deserve you, you're nothing; You're a scumbag and you're replaceable. I know I don't deserve to be forgiven but I wish he would anyway. The pain is gut-wrenching. I've felt like vomiting all day long. I think I'm in more pain than he is in. It's like knives in my throat, a frog in my stomach, and needles in my eyes. He saved me from myself, and now he's gone. Because of me. I was a wreck. I'm a mess without him. I need to run away. maybe I'll just walk..
maybe I'll drive to somewhere, I don't have money. Maybe ill just sleep in my car. I'm scared but I think I'll do it. I won't say goodbye to anyone. Everyone will wonder where I went. I want to disappear. I find myself praying to God, challenging Him to kill me because I don't have the courage to do it on my own; but I wish so badly that I were non-existent, just vanished.. gone. I feel like I'm going to cry myself into a coma. Oh God, I hope I do. If this is really the end.. I'll be gone by Monday. Not sure how, but one way... I'll vanish.

Edit: I'm scared. I'm so close to taking my bottle of migraine pills to put me to sleep. It's a gamble. Do I wake up if I do? I think he still loves me. I hope I'm not wrong. Survive for a few days. Try to get therapy before you're gone. Your mother still loves you.