thin ice

I'm not sure why i told him to come tonight if he cared. It would have been significant if I didn't tell him. Then it would have been proof. That's what I'd do if my relationship was on ice as thin as this. I'd come with his favorite candy and an I'm sorry note full of things I wish I'd done differently and show up by surprise to convince him to take me back. It's not quite the same. I have to stop giving him these "guidelines" to be the man he once was. It's not happening. And tonight's the night I'm finally going to accept it. Every day I come closer to that idea of a temporary[?] break that keeps dancing around in my head becoming a reality. Tonight I said it. I meant it. I mean it. He doesn't try to understand anything I feel though, to him I'm just emotional, but that's how any self-respecting girl in my place would feel when being called a bitch and yelled at about everything. I don't think if putting on a false smile will do it anymore. The ice is cracking and I can feel the water at my toes. I've never felt so much anger and pain built inside me as I did tonight when he hung up the phone while I was still talking, even though it has happened countless times before. I'm reaching the end. It could just be sadness and anger talking right now, as most of these entries usually are, but I doubt it. This break-idea seems legit.

Jeff's right; I'm always yelling and always crying about something, at least when I talk to him, or 80% of the time I'm with him. When I'm without him, I feel alone and sad... but sane. I'm hoping if this happens, he'll realize what I mean to him, whether it's a lot, or not at all. I'm praying he misses me, and appreciates what I go through and everything I do for him (for real).

I want to be respected and loved. To talk to me like a girl you care about. To seriously miss me sometimes, to be you're number one again, to want to see me smile, I want you to hurt when you make me cry. Shit. Fuck it.

I'm not keeping my fingers crossed. I'll wish, but I'm a big girl. I know there's no such things as shooting stars.