Death + Taxes shoot

...with Metric went pretty well. The magazine will be out in a month or two and that's when I will get to see the images. Here's my plus/delta.

( + )
amazing location! (http://www.welcometomeet.com)
Metric.
beautiful photos! great outfits, lighting, expressions, poses.
Jon joined me as my carry assistant and travel company.
fun, wonderful experience.

( - )
didn't warm up too much
had tinted moisturizer on so i couldn't do what i wanted complexion wise
red lips for a spring released mag. errrrrrrrr.

it was actually no real deltas cause it was one of the coolest things i've done.
but a slight adjustment in my concerns would have made it awesome haha.

so here it is, the aftermath:
the one day of falling back in love has died down.
i still want to get away from you.

also;
great news! I'm shooting with the band Metric on Friday morning. Wow, my first celebrity!

valentine's day;

is a pretty stupid and fucked up holiday.
7:30 am still drunk after incredible everything.
the worst is always saying goodbye, because the feelings have to be cut short and brushed aside again. You also have to deal with the guilt which will probably take it's toll on me.

It was unplanned, but the third with the only one who will ever mean anything. I hate him for it. He's an addiction I can't seem to give up. Once I have a small taste, I simply want more. Kissing and sexing him is like a drug. I can't stop wanting to do it again now that the deed has been done again. This is just plain stupid. I have you, and I know you know it. Why are we fighting this? Why are we trying to let the other think we have nothing left for each other?

Dear anti-valentine;
You already lost. Be mine.
(Besides, we are hot as hell together.)

21!

Incredible. I hit twenty-one years old. I am extremely proud of what I have become, I feel grown and matured and I made it with my head on straight. I've accomplished a lot for my age and I'm excited to see what else there is. So many more memories to be created, so many more questions and answers to arise. It's exciting. I'm not as scared as I had thought I'd be. Good.

The party was great for what I remember, but that's supposed to happen on your 21st, right? I just know I had a blast and I am never drinking that much liquor again. I spend my life with some amazing individuals and anyone that means anything to me was there.

I got my tattoo started on the 29th. It's something I'm not used to yet, I catch it in the mirror and I still get a little shocked. I love it, though. It really has a lot of meaning behind it and the song my lyrics are from really helped me keep my head high through all of the bullshit heartbreak I had to go through. And it's there forever to remind me to never let myself fall into a situation like that again.

On to... that;
I believe him forgetting my birthday and not even stopping by to wish me a good one was the tip of the iceberg. I don't want to get myself involved in his bullshit anymore. I put everything on the table and finally said my goodbyes. No more hidden intentions. No more wishful thinking. It's all out and finalized and done. Sealed shut. I guarantee that this isn't the last of him, that we'll talk again one day or run into each other, but I'm counting on it being very far away from now. There is no need for us to be 'friends' when there really is no friendship or reason for keeping me around.

That leads me to this;
I cannot find an attraction to anyone. I fucking hate you idiots that text me bullshit and I hate you idiots that ask me out on a date. Sometimes I think I like someone, but that dies quick. I'm back to post exex-boyfriend, pre ex-boyfriend. I'm tired of saying "next, next, next..." so quickly. I feel like I've already run out of cute boys cause I can't seem to enjoy any of their company for more than a week. I want to say "leave me alone", but I miss the affection of having a boyfriend. Especially with this wretched holiday valentines day coming around the corner. ugh, put a fucking bullet in my head.

i'm blank. i dont know what to say or think, i don't know how to act or re-act. Life just seems to happen and I just follow it. It's boring, and a little on the alone side. I've learned I don't have excuses for these things. It's always my own fault. I won't deem anyone worthy of getting close to me. I refuse to even consider it. I miss the boy I loved. It's hard because I really do sometimes wish he just didn't exist. my life wouldn't feel so overwhelmed or complicated. nostalgia would be the summer breeze, or popsicles, or crayons. Normal things people get nostalgic over, kid stuff.. but me, I'm missing the feeling of his touch, his smile, and the words "i love you always". Broken-hearted kind of stuff. It's been too long to be thinking like this. And there's going to be a lot more thoughtful nights to follow, this is evident. I am in the 'Niclen' situation. The one I told him I didn't want and knew was coming. It'll be years until this is completely out of my system, but it'll all eventually be done with and okay. I'm glad I have Nicole to keep me going. She's been here, and done this. Only she didn't have the guidance she's giving me so kudos to her.

Sometimes I try to understand, and I really need to just realize, "STOP." because it doesn't matter.

theres so much i want to say to jeff... that I just can't. So much stuff, but I know he just doesn't care. There are times, like now, when I miss him so fucking much. I ran into a message he left me, and omg.. the words "i love you always", it was unreal seeing it. It broke my heart all over again. I wish he didn't forget who I was. I wish he remembered me before all of the fighting started. I still blame myself to this day. watching him change into this monster was probably the worst experience of my life to date, and I still mourn over the boy i loved and the memories we created together. I still remember all of them, he doesn't. It's so hard to accept that he is happy with someone else, and creating new memories and saying i love you's.

but i won't be fooled. this feeling of sadness and nostalgia isn't here often. I'm living my life.. trying to keep away from boys because none of them are good enough for me. I just need to get some sleep.

liars liars liars. it seems like the best way to be a good person is to lie about everything. having a truthful and honest mouth gets you nothing but shit. Take BigD for example; nah i'm not like her, but point made. Anyway, fights and drama have been going on lately. Sometimes I feel like my life is too dramatic for even the big screen. I really, honestly and truely, do not consider myself to be a drama queen, especially as of late. I want to chill out. I want people to leave me alone and stay out of my life. Sometimes I even consider moving and starting fresh cause I'm tired of everyone and everything. This baggage is weighing me down and making me sink. It is causing nothing but my blood pressure to rise and my hands to shake. I'm like a volcano waiting to errupt. Nothing but straight bitch lately. I've become nothing but an asshole and I can't stop it. I'm overflowing with negativity to the point where I can't breathe anything good anymore. I'm inhaling shit and exhaling used up shit. I want it to end. I want to be a nice person again. I want to anger to go away. I want to be innocent and not assume the worst.

21 is taking too long;
and I wish Jeff would die.

I seem to ruin anything that has potential. I'm glad I have a negative outlook on everything. Even though he swears he's not like the rest, I've sat on edge and it saved me an unexpected fall (which would have hurt way more). Time wasn't on my side, and I should have known it no matter how much he told me he wanted to move on.

So here continues the fighting off pricks and hoping someone like him will come around and almost change my point of view.

I can't seem to stop making mistakes left and right. I'm so quick to label anyone as one of the good guys. I'm so quick to not use my mind or my tongue. I have no regret, due to a villian. I have regret because I'm falling fast now, and I'm definitely going to fall face first. I don't think I'm mistaken about these butterflies in my stomach this time, and it's scaring me. I won't be the one deciding to disappear after a few measly un-meaningful hang outs. I'll be stickin around. It sucks being on the other end of this. I hope I was right this time with my 'good-guy' label. I hope she doesn't ruin this for me.

i'm kind of falling head over heals, and there is a huge friend vibe being sent out. i stayed up until 6 am talking to him, after i just got home from hanging out with him. Crazy.

boys suck.

I really don't understand who deems these kids as King Shit where they think that I am going to fall in love with them over a kiss, or run to them because they text me "let's make out". Get the fuck out of here. I swear I'm not being arrogant.. I'm frustrated. I want to be treated with respect. I don't get it. Am i supposed to be flattered that you chose me to make out with? C'mon. Get away from me. Ya'll need to stay away cause I guarantee I won't be the one hurtin.

2009!

Or should I say two-thousand and fiiiiine?! Last night was great. Having drinks and getting shitty with the best of friends. 2008 was a huge emotional battle, I'm saying this now and I'm sure of it... 2009 is going to be so much better. It's like a huge weight is lifted off my shoulders. Everyone gets to re-start and re-evaluate their goals for the year. I'm starting fresh and new. And what a better way to start it than to have a pretty cute kid kiss you goodnight.