"I miss Jeff like crazy right now. It's nuts how I'll never ever get enough of him. I'm always worried he's going to tire of me soon."
"I dont even know wtf to say in here anymore. No more thoughts that need to be poured out. I'm not sad, and no need to constantly write how happy i am :]"
"I miss Jeff. I could cry everytime I think about how much it hurts not being with him. I'm so in love it's crazy. So happy. This is forever. :)

fuck me, right?
I have to make him "obey" me to actually want to spend time with me.
i fucking hate my life. I fucking hate it. I really do. I've cried for 3 fucking months straight. I fucking hate myself. What kind of fucking loser takes this? Other girlfriends get the world. I used to have the world. I have nothing except 3 hours of him texting his stupid fucking friends and making other plans as if he can't wait to get the fuck out. I was supposed to be the most important, I used to be important. I understand he missed his friends, but I don't get why you have to spend every fucking minute with them.

Oh my God, I want to go back in time and freeze it.
"It's crazy when I watch other couples. I feel like I'm the only person in the world lucky enough to experience this feeling, it just feels so... exclusive and special."
I can't believe it felt like this. I forgot. I really fucking forgot. Now i'm jealous when I see other couples."
"used to understand the term "bros before hoes" but we were young. Of course friendships were more important than relationships, because there wasn't a much of a chance of staying with that person permanently. Imagine your father using that phrase, putting a 'friend' ahead of your mother, his wife. wow, SHITTY. I'd never, ever, ever, ever put a friend in front of my one true love. I'm not saying my friendships that ARE worth something isn't important to me, because my friendship with Nicole is. I would never put Jeff in front of her feelings or Nicole in front of Jeff's. Both are equally important to me, but seriously, fuck everybody else. The rest of you are scum."

I FEEL LIKE A FUCKING RETARD. I WAS SO STUPID. WHY DIDNT HE TELL ME HE DIDN'T FEEL THE SAME BACK THEN?

i have to give up. it's hard when he can't understand how much he kills me inside. It drives me insane, I'm always at blame but I can't see it. I can't understand what I have to do to be a good girlfriend. The fact that I'm sad is what's ruining everything. I've been hysterical since 8:00pm, he was supposed to take me out, on a real date. I was so happy, so happy, when he said he wanted to do this for me. I don't know why I keep believing these things. Last night he hugged and kissed me, in public... and stayed with me most of the time. I thought things were getting better. I mean he did forget to take me out, but it's okay. Well.. it was. I don't know, or can't understand why it's so easy to kick me to the curb every night. Everyone in the house can hear me cry. It's so embarrassing. I just want to feel like I'm in a relationship again. I want to be happy. I'm so sad. I can barely breathe. I did my hair and make-up and sat around. I thought I looked pretty today, and i cried it all off. I can't do this. It hurts. I don't want to hate my life anymore. I don't want to feel like nobody anymore. I want to be important to somebody, him. But, right now.. it feels like anybody. I try so hard, and he doesn't see it. He doesn't care to think about me. He's so selfish. Oh God, it hurts.

i'm so in love.

you're an idiot.

I think I should wake up every morning and read my last entry. I seem to forget it the minute he says "I want to see you, I'm sorry, I love you" and I act like he cares about the way I feel. Seriously, I could write my last entry all over again and it would be tonight's. I'm a fucking retard.

Maybe if I can just completely realize it, I won't get so hurt every time.

i think i'll die tonight.

I'm never happy anymore. My life has turned into nothing. Nothing is important anymore. These past 3 days are making me feel as if I can live without him, but it's a life with nothing to look forward to. Looking forward to seeing him always ends in disappointment anyway; like tonight. He's insensitive to me, and it makes me so angry. I'm always mad now, before it was really just sad, but now I'm mad and really sad. I'm mad because I do so much, and I'm never appreciated and I don't get half of what I give back in return. He tries sometimes and I can't even tell you how happy I feel when he does, but most of the time he doesn't. He says I never admit when I'm wrong, but I'm always apologizing. Even when I'm not at fault. And that was the problem last night and tonight. When we last 'broke up', I told him and myself that I'll do anything and let him do what he wants to me. I'm the bitch. He's the one with the whip. It's awful and embarrassing. I wanted to cry when having sex with him the other day. It was awful. I felt no love. I felt like I was an object. I feel so emotionally abused. I know it's best for me to forget about him but I don't want to. We were so in love and I know this isn't him. I know he's a smart guy with a great sense of humor and was supposed to go so far in life. Who was supposed to be the daddy of my kids and my husband until I'm old and die. He's the one who said he'd give his life for me. But he says he can't change, and there's no forcing anyone to be someone they're not. Maybe he's right. Maybe I'm in denial. I'm sorry I ever met him sometimes, because if this doesn't work... I'll never love anybody like I loved him again. And I'll always wonder 'what if...' and wish he was the one I was spending my life with. I hate crying. I feel like my skin gets tougher everytime, but I'm so weak. I've never loved life the way I did when he came into my life. I wish I never lived sometimes. What am I supposed to do with my life? Go to school and work and sleep. For the rest of my life. I don't want this. I don't want to live that. I dont want life sometimes. I'm so sad. Being sad is the worst feeling. It's like everyone you love in the world just abandoned you, and you're alone in darkness with an empty gun in your hand.

he'll never care about me the way i do for him. he'll never take care of me, i need to be independent. he's never going to be wrong no matter what, I have to stop trying to let him realize how sad he makes me, even if he does realize he's not going to fix it. I have to stop telling him when I'm sad and learn to put a smile on my face even when I'm crying.

Love doesn't sound so great.
The worst part is, he'll get mad at me for telling him how I feel and call me crazy.

fucking..

I hate that I'm always post-poned. As if I couldn't find something else to do than sitting the fuck around. I want to do something with my days off... not wait around. I hate my life. It really turned out to be a real drag.

oh, and that photographer never wrote back.

fucking i could cry again. Why lie? Is something really going on?? I trusted you.. maybe I shouldn't have

YOU'RE CRAZY

Everything is almost better than ever. I've given up on hoping for change, but with that, he's trying to meet me half way. And accepting the blame when things go a bit wrong and letting me know he's thankful for me. And I appreciate him so much. I'm so happy it wasn't the end.

On a lighter note! I'm testing with a published photographer on Wendsday. Jeez I'm so nervous, just thinking about it makes my palms sweat and my stomach queasy. If he likes me, that means editorial shoots and moneymoneymoney. As well as often traveling!! LA here i FINALLY come! I hope. I'm not going to get my hopes too high up. I'm still young and have a lot to learn and a lot of experience to gain.

I'm working with the fabulous Stacy Leigh for 2 upcoming shoots. One is with a not so hot model, but I'm getting paid; plus, with me and Stacy, I think she might just maybe have some potential? (not to be rude) Then, Aymi. Which I'm pretty excited about. I think I just like shooting with Asians. Maybe I'm trying to replace Cecelia! :x She was a great model. I also have another shoot coming up on Sunday, which shouldn't be anything too crazy, but the model is a friend of a friend.. and she's Asian, and super cute. And I could totally end up wanting to chill with her. She seems pretty cool.

Hm, all this and balancing school, job, being a mommy, paying traffic tickets, and dealing with boyfriend stress/time. I think school is honestly the least in my priorities right now. I hate it. I hope I become big and famous soon. Jeff is always my number one. Job is probably 2nd or 3rd. Maybe in between. I'm rambling. Basically... I'm busy. The end.

fuck it, right?

So, the end. I felt strong at first. But now I'm sobbing like a baby. This could have been avoided, it was such a stupid reason to fight. If both of us just kept our mouth's shut. If I hadn't turned around, things would have been talked over in my room. It is my fault. I made a mistake, but I can't be the one to always run back. I need to know he cares. I need to know he wants this. I was willing to change for him, but he wasn't willing to change for me. There was no in between. It was all me or nothing. So I guess this is why I'm at nothing. God closes one door and opens another, right? It's so hard to see some truth in that. There's no one else I want. I should have fucked him last night. I told him "tomorrow". How was I to know I'd never feel his touch again. Those perfect hands, his neck, his shoulders and arms. This is heartbreak like no other because I know it's for real this time. Maybe being alone will do me some good. I'll save my money and move away. I wish I didn't love him. I wish I never met him. I wish I never saw him. I wish I could erase him from my memory. I know he'll be there and in my heart for the rest of my life. This is so hard.

seesaw

I'm finding it difficult to trust. I keep going back and forth. What if he fucked her? I can't imagine it being true, but I can't get the image out of my head. She's gotta be really skinny, and on top of him. Drunk. Maybe her hair covering her face made it possible? Shit, I'm killing myself. Giving myself a whole story to work with. I trust him, but then I call myself a dip-shit.

I'm losing weight. The unhealthy way. And I couldn't feel any better.