i dont know what the fuck to think or what the fuck to do. i put myself through so much bull shit for nothing. nobody is worth anything. i'm alone in this world. it's me. that's it. i can't stop putting myself in these embarrassing situations.

i love jeff, so much.
i can't keep doing this.

Oh my God. Great, good-looking boys do exist. I'm pretty sure I got mini butterflies tonight. Something which hasn't happened in a VERY long time.

i'm only updating because it's been too long that I haven't. Life is always weird. I need to grow up and quit being lazy. I need a change in attitude; it's slowly but surely coming along. I've been getting into a heap of trouble as of late. Maybe not lately, maybe I always have been but it's finally caught up. I owe a lot of money all over the place and it's nobody's fault but my own reckless spending. I have been slightly more careful with where my money goes, but clearly not careful enough. I'm about to pay my traffic tickets. I finally learned my lesson when it comes to the law. I don't speed anymore, I don't talk on the phone while driving, I try not to ride people's asses, and I am no longer vandalizing anything that isn't mine. I'm tired for paying for my carelessness. I've always been a bit of a rebel, but it's okay to be a good law-abiding girl. Ha! Gettin' old. Aside from that, I owe tons of money to my credit cards. It's driving me mad and I'm completely scared that I'm going to get in more trouble about them. It's so hard to balance and make payments on time when I have so many people and companies reaching out into my pockets. I know I'll get out of this somehow. I hope.

I've been wearing the same 1 contact in my 1 eye, and nothing in the other for about 2 months now. I am an absolute idiot. I guarantee I'm ruining my eyesight as I type. Make a fucking appointment. It isn't that hard.

What kind of Sinem blog would this be if I didn't speak of my "love" life? It seems this is all I ever talk about. Nobody cares. Quit bothering people with it. I have a stupid blog for a reason. Anyway.. love won't go away, and it's partially because I haven't tried hard enough yet. We always find our way back to each other and it's unfair. He basically cheated on me. He was intimate with a much younger girl that I know. He hurt me and didn't give a shit. He's kissed on everyone and everyone else. He never tried to get me back. So what the fuck am I doing? Why am I thinking about him and wondering why he doesn't miss me, or why he doesn't tell me he likes me. Am I out of my fucking mind? I've become a professional with pushing any real emotion into the bottom of my body and pretending it doesn't exist. It's sick how I could sleep with this boy, be in love with him, but not get upset that he is probably kissing somebody else on his drunk nights out. I'm pretty disgusting to do this to myself. But like I said, it doesn't bother me as much as it should. I'm being real selfish and telling him not to kiss on anyone else and to let me know when he does so I can bounce (for what? another month again?). Meanwhile, I, myself, always seem to have somebody asking me out on a date. This time it's a really attractive boy, my age. I almost don't want to go out with him because I'm a little scared. What if I like him? What if boy decides to change and wants to commit? Why am I even thinking of going back with boy? I'll never trust him. I'll never forgive him. Everything he tells me is with an alternate motive. Everything is a secret game. His mind is so complex it needs decoding. And I'm the biggest fool I know. I'll always miss him. I sometimes wish I could erase.

I've never felt so attractive as I do lately. My skin looks great, my hair is longer, and my confidence is pretty good. I'm not lonely. I'm content. for now.

uhhhhhh... didn't see this happening. i'm feeling shitty about this other boy.

i had a great day. sephora pj party was actually so fun. I won a bunch of stuff and hung out with some awesome crazy fun girls.

wen't pretty well.
he's a cutie, and he's into me. this could go good.

...just a little bit embarrassed about what i did this morning. Me and him will always have that terrible attraction to each other, and it's disgusting.

I have a date on Tuesday. Maybe it will go well. Maybe I'll want to end life. Either way, it'll keep me occupied and give me another story to tell; which I've been needing lately.

this is crazy. Barack Obama has ended the Bush reign. It's strange. I'm proud. And nervous. Also scared that he'll be shot any minute. That would suck.

ew i swear sometimes i feel like i have bi-polar. The last entry I wrote just made me go wtf. Though I get really stressed, I don't because I miss a relationship. I actually did wake up a little bummed this morning, but I think it's just cause I have nothing to do today. My life died down right when Halloween ended. I'm sick of these boys that I just don't care about, I want nothing to do with them. It's not that I'm writing off a relationship... I just want to actually be attracted to someone. I'm not even attracted to double d anymore. Saw some pictures of him and it made me wanna vom. I actually think he's quite gross. It's sad but whatever. Shit happens.

I'll be 21 soon, and I will be out at bars and parties more often. Meeting someone is going to happen regardless of it being now or much later. I just have no patience.

sometimes I just want to cry. My stress reaches such a high point and it really takes over my body. I just want to get away. I want to re-do life. Sometimes I can't see the importance in friends, maybe it's because I don't have many real ones. I think what I miss most about the past is being cared about. So is the feeling I was afraid of? Waking up next to someone else thinking of the old love, reminding myself he's gone.

So, my dad is showing my portfolio to a make-up artist recruiter for celebrities and agencies. Underneath all of this negativity I have hope for a better life.

i have so many friends but i never really want to see any of them. (besides Nicole). The only reason I do is so I keep my mind occupied. I don't even want to go to the Halloween party anymore. I don't want to hang out with anyone. I think I'm just in the mood to mope. Maybe I'm lonely. I'm not desperate enough to call these boys up though. C'mon God, send me someone new. Someone I like.

If you aren't a new boy, get the fuck away from meee!! please; seriously. take a fucking hint. all of you. back the fuck off! get off my dick and quit sweatin' me.


ANYWAY;
A psychic stopped me at the mall the other day and told me I was jaded. Correct. Also that i've suffered from someone for the past 6 months. Correct. She felt the need to stop me so she can let me know I'm going to be okay. Which I know, but it was nice of her. A complete stranger to be so concerned. Poor girl must not be able to go anywhere without needing to tell someone something. I believe in her. She was a normal girl.. pushing her son in his stroller trying to shop. I've been told by a handful of random psychics on the street about how strong my 'aura' is, and they practically beg me to let them read me.. it's freaky. She told me a little more which made me feel skeptical but she described someone's personality exactly. I won't say what she told me until it's confirmed whether it's true or false. This did make me want to go to a psychic again though.

Working like a maniac.. 24/7
drives me insane but keeps me from losing my mind at the same time. I feel as though I'm turning into everyone else. I've put photoshoots on hold so I can enjoy my life. I can't help being nervous and feeling guilty. I'm not abandoning my dreams, but I have to convince myself that.

it's strange, in high school i always had a crush on someone or someone to persue. Now I don't find interest in anyone! Not past boys not present boys. I'm still kissin on one, it doesn't mean much to me, or anything at all. I can't help feeling like an asshole about it. I'm barely even attracted. I'd never sleep with any of these boys.

...so exes are exes for reasons right? He's kinda cute. and made me laugh. Maybe i'm vulnerable. It was nice though

life is pretty nice. I feel better without Jeff in it. I'm taking it more of a death than a regular breakup. I feel like the Jeff I loved is dead, and there's nothing I can do about it. I'll always love that boy and he'll always be in my heart and my memories. The new Jeff, I absolutely hate.. so sometimes i'll get sad for my loss but I'll never cry wishing for him to be mine.

So wah wah done talking about it. So much attention coming at me from friendships, to boy interests. It's great. I love being able to call my friends and just go out for a walk, a party, or a sleep over. It's also awesome talking to some new kids, as well as some old. Hang outs planned, numbers exchanged. Back in the game and loving it. What makes it so much better, is I don't settle and I sure as hell am not a dirtbag about it. Life is always kept busy and it's great. I feel like a free spirit again. I finally feel 20.

I enjoy my friends.


You can honestly say that things are running smoothly for you?
they're not smooth, but it's not rough either.


What's your view on taking risks?
fuck it, i do what i want.


Are you a Gatorade drinker?
i hate that shit.


You see a shooting star, do you make a wish?
nah, not really.

Are you a big fan of snowstorms or thunderstorms?
snow storms.

When it rains, do you go out and start to dance?
no, i throw my hood up.

Are you a morning person or a night person?
i'm an all day person.

Whose bed did you last sleep in other than your own?
jeff's. well technically mine.


Where is the next place you will travel to?
hopefully california.


Have you cried today at all?
yes.


What is something you currently want?
something fattening to eat. more beer. more partying.

What was the last thing you bought?
cigarettes and pizza hut. lol sounds so white trash.


Where are your parents?
sleeping.


What was the best movie you have seen in the past months?
dark knight; i don't watch many movies.

Are you going to have a good night?
night's over. i'd say i had a pretty good night.

Do you have strange dreams?
no, i have hopeful dreams.

Are you happy?
I am content. but i'm not happy. my heart hurts for someone's life.

If you could move somewhere else, would you?
yes. but not yet.

Do you know if anyone likes you?
yeah, a few. it's not what i want.


How long until your birthday?
4 months!


How old is the cell phone you have right now?
a couple days old haha, brand new cause i broke my old one.

How many funerals have you been to in your lifetime?
none.


Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
not really. i feel like things just happen to go wrong.


Where was your default picture taken?
my room.


What are your plans for the weekend?
i'm not sure. i'm positive i'll be working though -__-


So far, have you had a good day?
it could have been slightly better, but i hung with jason aron at night which was cool.


Will you be in bed within twenty minutes?
i wanna say yes, but probably not.


Who were you with at 4am?
sleeping.


Last CD you listened to?
i think it was bayside with jason.

Do you miss someone?
yes, RIP Jeff.

Do you have any bruises?
yeah idno where i got it from

What is tomorrow?
thursday?

What are you doing later?
sleeping.


Where are you at right now?
my room


Describe the shirt you're wearing:
white deep v-neck.

Who do you blame for your bad mood today?
i'm not in a bad mood right now. but earlier, jeff.

What’s your favorite season?
autumn.


What time did you go to sleep last night?
late.

Do you think that you're a good person?
yes. i'm the best. maybe not anymore.

If the year consisted of only one season, which would you choose?
fall.


Do you hate being alone?
tough, i'm not sure.

Is there a girl that knows everything or mostly everything about you?
yeah; Nicole.

Are you slowly drifting away from someone close?
slowly? nah, rapidly.

How many cell phones have you had in your life?
about a million.

Do you currently have a hickey?
nope, keep off ugly boyz.

You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life, what do you pick?
lattes.

Do you think the drinking age should be lowered to 18?
19.

What is one thing you would love to happen today?
idno, meet a cute boy to fool around with.

What side of the bed do you sleep on?
all over the place.

What' s the last thing you laughed really hard over?
probably something Nicole did.

People make me so fucking mad. I lost my wallet, and my dad is making a huge scene about it in front of my aunt and uncle at the table asking:
"so what do you do about your license?"
"i dont know.. what do i do dad?"
"yeah, you don't know. why would you know?"
"...listen, instead of asking all these pointless questions why dont you just tell me what to do?"
then i get bitched at for being an asshole.. meanwhile they aren't making any sense and just flat out pissing me the fuck off. He started going off about how he has to do everything, wahwah. I didn't ask him to do shit. I have a short temper as of late, they need to step off me before I kill somebody.
I've had a great week regardless of my shitty attitude and outlook on life. Got wasted with Jason, next day drank with John, then partied with highschool buds, then last night I went out with Nicole, Chris, Luke, and JoeyL for his birthday. Hibachi is cool. It was a fun time, had a mai tai. So good. Today is slow, nothing is really going on. I can't expect much for a Sunday night though. I'm going to April's to have her fix my hair up. I have no money to give her. =\ wallet is goneee. this is pretty shitty but I think i've felt worse recently so i'm not experiencing it 100%. fuck you life.

today was the first day that I actually got upset. While in the shower I shed a whimper and a tear or two, but it got lost in the water and drowned out by the echoes of it hitting the shower floor. So I picked my head up, turned the water off, dried off, and started my day. This is the toughest I've been. Although I have so many questions, I don't care to ask. I know there won't be an answer, and nothing can be said to excuse it. I think what actually upset me, is the fact that he just didn't care. He felt no guilt. He knowingly hurt me. I can't seem to comprehend how someone that cares for another lies with a straight face to them knowing the hurt it could potentially cause them. I've always wanted to run to Jeff for comfort, to save me. I was running to the enemy all along. He never cared about me, he never loved me.

LOL. not even worth this sentence.



...I kissed a friend tonight; I liked it but I'm worried it would ruin a really cool friendship.

i've been living a lie. well, i know i'm better than this. he can stick his dick wherever the fuck he wants. is it whorish that i just want to fuck a hot guy right now?

this is the first time this year that i'm not going to make you mad.

Last night was incredible. Crime In Stereo, Four Years Strong, A Day To Remember, and New Found Glory. Such a great time. It's not everyday where a bunch of your favorite bands play a show altogether. Every band was fantastic. Saw some friends, saw some enemies. I haven't been so excited and jumping around singing to a band since a couple years ago. It was refreshing. My body is aching a lot. I wish I took a picture from last night. Just to remind me in the future of great it was. Nicole almost fought a whore. I got in a fight with Jeff, of course.

I really do not see the point in fighting anymore, but he was being a little crazy. So, I walked away and left him alone. Eventually we texted each other, and I ended up going over his house. Lately every time I've seen him, things have felt different. When we kiss... it feels new again, and full of meaning. I feel butterflies in the pit of my stomach. It's strange because I feel like I'm going through the whole "crushing" phase again, but... we went through that, and the things we do together.. we wouldn't be doing at crushing status. I don't know how to explain it. It's so strange. I don't really know what's going to happen.. but I'm in no rush to find out. I want to tell him I have a crush on him and that he makes me smile and I get excited to see him.. but I'm pretty sure he knows I love him, and of course he makes me smile, and of course i'm happy when I see him. Strange.

OPHoly shit. He was completely right on target; I was completely wrong. INSANE. EYE OPENING.

I bought two books today, and a new toy. The books to help me find myself, to help understand myself, and to fix myself; so I can be a happier, better me. The toy was to cheer me up for now. It worked. :) So, I can't get used to reading fiction, I just don't like it. However, I love self help, photography, and fashion. So, I will read more about those topics! Here's to broadening my intelligence.

I feel like I'm worth a lot. I'm a hard working, caring, friendly, spirited, trusting girl. Who happens to be pretty good in bed. I think I'm a pretty good package. I'm feeling I've been disrespected, a whole lot and taken for granted.

I had one boy asking me out;
another asking me to show my boobs and how nice they looked in a bathing suit (WTF?)
and another asking me out
and another who is concerned about me.

and here i am wallowing over someone who wouldn't give a fuck if i got drunk and drove.

Sometimes I draw. There's a whole lot of meaning behind this, but no one will ever know.
http://i38.tinypic.com/28kk6kg.jpg

I'm not crazy; I'm just really sad. It's so hard being on call for him. I feel used. I want to be appreciated. God.. I can't wait to hit 21 so i drink away my thoughts. I want to be a thoughtless mess.

I can't blame anyone but myself for putting myself in these situations; He's just so damn believable. I was going to leave, but he grabbed me. It was the first time he's ever attempted to stop me from leaving. Maybe I'm pretending it meant more than what it really was, but it convinced me to keep trying. I know I'm going to cry again one day soon.

i'm not a party animal; i wish i could be.


oh; and sometimes i forget that i never want him back in my life.
and i hope he'll come get me at those times;
but then i'm glad he doesn't.

I went to see The Sleeping tonight; it was great. Going to the city then just watching an awesome band; I missed it a whole lot. Just being surrounded by a crowd I fit in with was refreshing from showing older women or younger girls which bronzer is their perfect shade. Every time I see The Sleeping I develop a huge crush on Doug, hahaha. Definitely adorable.

I'm happy to say I am absolutely fine. I'm having a great time.

Well, hanging out with new boys is a weird feeling. I can't decide if it's something I like or not. I suppose it's just awkward because I'm not used to it yet. Nonetheless; tonight was interesting.

i tried so fucking hard. fuck my last entry. he's never going to find a girl like me every again. he's not going to find a girl "mentally stimulating". he's plain crazy and it isn't worth my sanity! I would do anything for the boy I loved, but not if he doesn't love me back. When he doesn't love me, it's time to force the memories to die. All this time I wasted thinking we still had a chance;all the shit he told me. He's just like his friends and just like every other guy. No girl will give him the same feelings I did, and I'm excited for him to spend his life searching for it again. I'm also excited for when his friends fall in love, and he's still searching. I hope I'll have met somebody new by then, so I won't come running back. I've already blocked all communication from him except by telephone; however his number is deleted.. so enough of him not texting me will get his number out completely. Once I hit 21, I'm going to party more often and spend more nights drunk. Until then; I have to hold on to my dignity and keep this promise to myself: NO MORE.


Someone else will love me. He can keep pretending that i don't mean anything.

I've decided I'm going to life my life on my own. I'm not so afraid of dieing alone anymore. It's become an inevitability for me. Jeff is selfish, arrogant, mean, unthoughtful, insecure; I can't tell anyone why I love him, but I know he's always been perfect; somehow. He's done nothing for me in over a year, never even gave me a ear when I needed to talk or a helping hand when I needed help standing up, because it's always been about him. I can't explain why I'm head over heals. I'll always think he's the best. I'm dieing inside because I know this is the time when I really have to finish the job and let him go. I cannot cry every night, it's too difficult to put on a smile for everybody else the next day. I'll never meet somebody like him. I'll live my life alone. It can't be any worse than the feeling I already have. I already know this is going to be extremely difficult... to cut contact. I'm always the one trying to speak. I won't speak anymore. He gets what he wants. Himself.

Today was absolutely horrendous. Minus waking up to Jeff's gorgeous face and doing some sick makeup, but I'll get into those a little later. On my way to a photo shoot, my car started smoking terrible. I got scared but continued on my way; stalled once but made it to the parking garage by Stacy's loft. Dad checked it out while I was at my photo shoot and said it was fine, so after the shoot I picked up my car and started heading home. I got lost in Brooklyn, 411 helped me find my way, car starts smoking again, car dies middle of Sunrise Highway. Terrible. A mack truck almost hit me. A guy and a cop pushed me to the gas station. So I was having a cigarette on the side and some guy offered me a ride.. even though I said I was alright, and kept asking me to come over to his car. HELL NO.. my brother came to pick me up. My motor is done; my car is done. I'm fucked.

Last night I hung out with Jeff again, and I'm so happy to know I wasn't crazy all along. I knew there was a reason I never left. And I'm so glad that I did have that feeling. I'll never give up on him, because I know he doesn't really want me to. I love him. and he loves me. And one day, we'll be together for real.

The photoshoot went awesome-ly. The makeup came out PERFECT. I cannot wait to see the images. I think I'm stacy's official makeup artist now. :D I loveeee working with her. I wish I could just do shoots with her all day every day. Lovelovelove it.

I talked to this guy today at work. We talked for awhile, I liked his company, he liked mine. He was SUPER cute. I helped him pick a cologne for himself and his father. We flirted, exchanged names.. and that was it. I got nervous and asked "so! you have everything you're looking for? great, register is right there". So all I have is a name. What do I do with a name?

Sinem... you're an idiot.

It's quite ridiculous how my life works out. Everyday I've been dieing to do anything; today I finally have something to do, and I'd rather be home cleaning my room and listening to music.. just chillin.

This constant headache is a reminder to myself that you're still gone. I feel like it isn't the right thing to do, but I want to give up so bad. I'm doubtful that I'll be alright. This diary is my only outlet right now. I have nobody to speak to and nobody to hold on to. Not a friend or a lover in sight. My artistic stereotype is beginning to surface: the tortured loner who often cries herself to sleep, and escapes her frenzied thoughts through her literature and color. My mask I've worked so hard to build has chipped off piece by piece. You'd think that was a good thing, but I'm not proud of who I am. My mind is just as complex and thoughtful as yours, but for some reason I don't embrace it. I'm envious that your brain makes you an intellect. Mine makes me a sad girl. It's insane that I've forgotten who I really was. I never wanted to remember. I'm finding comfort from bands like Death Cab and Cursive. It helps being able to relate to the feelings of another, especially because sometimes a happy song will follow a sad one; and then I know, everything will one day be okay.

I decided tonight I'm staying alive; Kicking and screaming.

...and then he says, "Jump!"; and I respond, "How high?"

Artsy.

I feel artistic. And inspired.
I'm too dramatic, might as well put it to good use.
I feel lame.


"Wait; Hold on! You cannot leave me here alone!"
The words stuck in her throat like cupids arrow in her heart.
Her speech is bound by the awkward following of his frown.
His stringy gray hair drapes his sunken eyes, like a curtain masking what's inside.
He kisses her forehead and shuts the gate, there isn't a spoken a goodbye.
Hands clasped against the bars of the old metal barrier, she vows to the sky of never letting go.

Pale and thin and shriveled and weak; there is her beloved gate-keeper.
The wind blows his hair from his wrinkled face exposing his saddened eyes.
The tears fall down filling the lines of his skin
A man with a secret she can never know.
The gate was never locked; she was right there all along.

I had an emotionally rough day yesterday, and I let myself get to myself. It's nobody's fault but my own. I did a whole lot of thinking and came to a plethora of conclusions and philosophies. I understand Jeff, I think. Hopefully one day he will gain his trust in me again, and he will open up and let me know how he really feels. Pressuring him is not the way to do it. I know he is hurt and I know he must have his own insecurites. When I act like a child and called him all those names and said those nasty things, even though it was out of anger.. it was terrible. He has never called me anything nasty. I've always been the wrong one. I've been pointing out his 'faults' and blaming everything on him. The fact of the matter is: it was my fault all along. Maybe one day I can be the mature intellectual woman he deserves. Or maybe I'll live life missing him. Either way, I'm sure things will be alright. Everything happens for a reason, no?

FUCKFUCKFUCK JUST FUCK EVERYONE AND EVERY FUCKING THING. I'm tired of being a secret. I'm tired of not knowing. I'm tired of being there when he wants. I'm happy when I'm with him but it isn't worth it, to be somebody's play thing. He's happy when I'm there, and he's happy when I'm not. I want to know when he is the happiest.

i don't know what to think.

Jeff helped me realize, my main focus in life is finding success, and he asked why. I really thought about it and now I know. Everything comes with my success. I could take care of everyone I love, I could be artistic and expand my imagination, and I could inspire. Many more reasons too.

I've been happy all week but not really at the same time. It's hard to explain what I feel and think. I've stayed over with him the past 2 nights. I can't keep away from him. We are hanging out more, but not too much. Which is nice, but we aren't working towards a relationship again; which isn't so nice. He has such a complex mind that I cannot completely understand. I want to get into his head and figure out what is true and what is not, but I realize I can't. He doesn't talk much about his thoughts to me, and I know he likes it that way. I think he wants me to know nothing and to not have a plan. That scares me, because I'm afraid of the unknown. It's hard to believe he's only attracted physically to me.

I have the worst mind. I don't think I'll ever love anybody ever again, Jeff is the only one who I feel that special something with and he makes me happy. So, for now I'll just be happy. I know he's probably seeing other girls, and it makes me feel a little low that I've let myself become "the other girl", but whatever. It's also a little disappointing that I'm a secret. Not going to lie, it's a little sexy at the same time. In that i'm better kinda way.

Also heard I've been discussed in a not so nice way by some kids. It doesn't so much hurt me, but brings about insecurities I guess.

I wonder if it's real to have a phobia of change and being alone places. I have a mini to a full blown panic attack depending on the seriousness of the situation at hand. I'm so nervous about going to sephora school for 10 hours by myself. I hate meeting new people unless I'm with Nicole or Jeff. I hope it's not as bad as I'm making it out to be.

I want a fucking life. I hate working all the time. I hate feeling grown up. I want to party, I want to meet new people and I want to stay out late and sleep in late. I want to pull all nighters more often and I want to travel. Fuck credit cards, fuck life.


I'm angry.

Temptation is so hard to resist; especially when feelings are still 100% there from one side. 50% from the other? Ehhh not so great.

I had a great time at the party making new friends and acquaintances. Unfortunately, I couldn't find an attraction to anyone there, except one. However I've been there and done that; over him. Am I too selective? Shallow? Or am I really meant for you-know-who? I'll find out with time.

Speaking of which; 6am hangout was so fun. I never have such a great time with anyone else (besides Nicole). I cannot believe how different Jeff looks. It made me wish I looked different too so he could "ooo-and-ahh" about me too! Hehe. It's absolutely unbelievable that I cannot resist this boy. And I love that he has a difficult time resisting me. We are like pure sexiness together, and it's exciting. LOLZ. But for real, I'll leave it at that. No expectations; Just excitement and surprises.

Here's a real entry

So; tonight is the night that life picks back up for me. Unfortunately, it's going to slow right back fucking down but it's okay for now. I'm going to a party tonight and I'm really counting on it to boost up my mentality and mood. I'm not feeling ugly though. For once in my lifetime I feel so fucking pretty. I like how I look, I think I'm special and unique; I dress nice and always smell pretty. :] I don't take as long as I used to to get ready anymore too! (That's actually a major accomplishment!) Oh, and I don't feel the need to shop all the time anymore HAHA.

I'm not so sure why I still feel so down if it's not so much my physical looks. I'm not so offended about being rejected for the millionth time anymore, because I have no reason to be. I know what I am and I am certainly better. The fact that somebody doesn't notice yet makes it his loss, not mine. I do however, feel a little dumb. I always thought I was able to hold down a conversation, but I've realized I really can't. I don't keep up with the important and the dumb shit in the world;* it's a shame. Not because I care, because I have nothing to tell anyone. What I can offer, like a smile at a joke or an ear to listen to, is not enough. I listen, I hug, I laugh, I cry... I don't have useless information or bad jokes to tell and I don't have good advice to give. Soo, when I do talk.. I'm usually talking about how my day went, what I saw, what I did, what I heard. I suppose that's even more useless than talking about what I learned from the news. Fuck, I'm always wrong.

*I've got a newfound love for the semicolon; I always use it and it makes me happy for some reason.

random bursts really suck.

I'm in a terrible mood all the time. Sounded like a fucking idiot in the morning. It's hard not to try to sound like a tough guy when you're embarrassed for being as pathetic as I am. I'm actually very disgusted also; and nervous. Shitty feelings.

I'm quitting smoking again starting last night. I think my reasoning is so I can gain some self-control back. No more smoking a whole pack when under stress and bringing me one step closer to my death. From now on, I'm dealing with my shit head on; under nothing or no one else's control but my own.

Capital today.
All the bands last night were amazing.
Good to go to shows again. I missed music.

probably one of my crankiest nights; and I took it out on everyone else. Have Heart is awesome.

I think I'm going to have a wet dream about Batman and Joker tonight. I'm excited. HAHAHA.

At least we both know there are no emotions involved.

A few entries back, I said "friends don't come easy". It's so true. Girls are bitches, as proven by Nicole's situation; and the boys? I love hanging with them because I feel relaxed and that I fit in, but they all just want to bone. It's frustrating. Everytime I think I have a friend, I start getting flirty texts and hearing they just want to fuck. I'm glad I still have Nicole.

fuck it.

I can't ever stop wondering "what went wrong"? It's a puzzle that seems it will never be solved. Nobody is good enough for me. Nobody is you. I need answers and I never get any. I really hate the selfishness. On top of that, I'm hearing more and more rumors; about things you've lied about throughout our relationship. It's shitty that I put my whole heart, body, and soul into you.

nothing is wrong, but I feel so sad. I need a hug, but I don't want anyone to touch me. I've realized I was desperate for attention when I agreed to let an ex take me out. I refuse to call it a date, but who am I kidding. We all know it is going to feel like one, and when he leans in for the kiss I'm going to have to think of a quick excuse to back down. "I have a cold sore" might work. What do I care if it sounds gross? Or maybe I could just wear a bright lipstick.

Nothing is making sense. I'm dieing to go back to the psychic (even though being there scares the living crap out of me). I wish I could prove fate wrong, and change the way my life ends up. I want to ask about how his life will turn out. I want to know if he'll me a miserable person for the rest of his life. I hope not. I can't ever stop wondering how his life will unravel. If his family will make it through hard times. If any of them will get some fucking sense in their heads.

My mom told me a year ago, "get out of the relationship, a boy with these issues will eventually be emotionally unstable and it will take it's toll on you." I told her she was wrong.

I realized today that this break-up and the fighting has ruined me. Hopefully just temporarily. I'm always feeling weak and tired; fragile. Nausea has become a regular. So angry. The guy in GNC told me I'm "definitely the person who sees the glass half empty", and it really hurt my feelings. I was never that person. I was always the hopeful.

I'm feeling pretty sick about the way Jeff thinks of me. It's hurting a little. He won't understand that what he heard isn't true because he is looking for another scapegoat. I am not a whore. I am not easy. I'm a girl. I don't know why I even care. Fuck it.

Friends don't come easy; btw.

I feel like Helga from Hey Arnold. I curse at you and bring you down to hide that I really am hurting. On top of that, it helps me believe I really hate you. I was kind of happy to hear you'll come back. Kind of disappointed I'll be marrying someone else. I guess I'll have my chance to do what you did to me.

Well, at least I'm glad I saw it coming. Now I won't wonder anymore and I won't care. Never again. I'm taking this week as my lesson learned. I don't believe we don't click, and I know he doesn't really think that. But if he's going to throw the only person that will ever care for him the way I did, then so be it. Who am I to stop him? Especially when I could be working towards finding a guy to treat me the way I treated him.

Here's to starting again and the end of this blog.

scared shitless.

nobody but you knows about this blog.
I won't be writing about you anymore, I promise.
I tried to remain on a friendly level, but you can't help being a dick.
it's just your personality now i suppose!

I can easily say nothing you've ever told me means anything to me anymore.
stay out of my life. i've had enough.

my last love letter

Dear Jeffrey,
I've finally calmed and the tears slowed down; I can think a little more clearly now. It's hard to explain what I feel, but I know it's a hundred times worse than what you're feeling. You can laugh, joke, smile and drink. I can barely keep the little food I ate from rising up from my stomach to my mouth. It's unfair to myself to love you so much, and see nothing in return. Although I am pathetic and was willing for that uneven exchange, you've let me go. Something I should have done. I can't understand how somebody I've loved for 2 years, can end things over a text message. It hurts so much more when it's so unexpected, and then to be lied to! Why did you tell me you don't want to see me sad, when in reality, you were out? Why do you leave so many questions unanswered, as if you like playing this sick fucking game with my head. I feel like I'll never be happy again, but everyone tells me I'll have better than ever. Should I act big and tall and tell you I'm moving on and I hope it hurts? Or should I tell you the truth and let you know how hopeless I feel. How I don't want to smile with anybody but you. And how I wish you'd disappear from my memories. I wish to God you didn't make me miss you for three days. The excitement of finally seeing you again was so much. And then to have it torn and ripped apart like this... I think it killed whatever was left of me. Tonight you told me you couldn't love me anymore. I'm not going to lie... I wish I could hurt you the way you hurt me. Noone is going to love you like I did. Nobody is going to care about your life the way I did. Nobody is going to take care of you. And nobody is going to put up with the shit you put me through. But you won't care. You've never appreciated me. Where is my real second chance? Wasn't I a good person? Didn't I give you everything you needed? I thought you really loved me. It's unbelievable that you don't. But it's something I need to accept. I really wanted a real good-bye, but I'll never get one. I wonder what you'll feel when you see me with someone new. Will you care? I wonder what you'll feel when you hear of a wedding with a man that isn't you. I wonder if you'll be happy if I'm successful or sad for me if I'm not. I wonder if you'll think of how big teddy must be. I wonder if you'll miss me. Bye Jeff.

Love [but trying not to always and forever];
Sinem

So, I have given up on myself. I've become "that girl". The one who jumps when told to with no questions asked, at the risk of starting another battle. I realize that I am the one at fault. It's what I deserve for asking "why?". The answers are never what I wish they would be, just exactly what I know they are. I never realized what a hopeful person I am. I kept looking around for change but all I did was lose myself. It's sad.. because I'm alright with it. I'm perfectly fine. It's sad because even though I'm still crying, it's not all the time. It's sad because I'm dealing with being less important than everything else to the one person who means the world to me. It's sad because when I told him I'd take a bullet for him, I actually meant it. And what makes things even sadder, is that after being proven not to mean as much, I still would. To make matters worse, that doesn't mean anything in anybody's eyes other than I have quite possibly gone crazy, or that I'm pathetic. I'm dealing with these feelings though, and I'm trying to stop being upset about it. I'm fine.

I just miss being special.

It sucks when you're so in love, you'll take any kind of disrespect to keep him.

I've never been so angry about not being able to capture a moment as I was last night. Everything was like a dream, and I was so scared I was going to wake up. Jeff and I went to the carnival as friends, came back as lovers again. I can't even say how happy I am to have him back. My life feels like it's back in place.

I also started Sephora today. 9 hour shifts are killer. I'm exhausted; luckily today went by pretty quickly. I hope the same for tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after, etc...
I really hope I'm making a wallet-full of money. I'm having trouble paying all of my bills this month. I owe so much money all over the place, it's ridiculous. :(

I'm feeling too sexual right now. Is it wrong that I'm dieing to feel Jeff's body against mine?
By the way; I painted this. I was clearly really distraught.

Eric told me to just chill, and that is exactly what I need to do. We talked for a really long time, I've always been so comfortable with him. He explained what happened with his past relationship; it was oddly exactly like mine. It's good hearing things from a guy's point of view-- I understand Jeff a little better, in a good and bad way. Everything will fall back into place, and I need to worry about myself. Eric told me to do something with me life, to not let somebody control the way I feel. It was probably the best advice I could get and it gave me a serious kick in the ass. I'm going to pick up my guitar and skateboard and find some shows to go to.

It's insane how quickly I lose grip of reality and spin off into an empty world. I feel like I lost my life. I was safe with him. He looked over me and took care of me without even realizing it. I don't want to go back to the person I used to be. I don't want to find comfort from a bottle or from anyone that can make me feel wanted. I hate how emotionally fucked up I am. I suppose it's the consequence of being a hopeless romantic, or just hopeless.

I can't understand what went on in my head, and I won't try to because I know there is no excuse. I've ruined a lot of good things in my life with my stupidity, but I've never ruined my whole life in a split second like I did this time. The feeling of disgust has taken over my body. I can't look in the mirror without thinking you fucking bitch. I'm ripping myself apart. Jeff doesn't deserve you, you're nothing; You're a scumbag and you're replaceable. I know I don't deserve to be forgiven but I wish he would anyway. The pain is gut-wrenching. I've felt like vomiting all day long. I think I'm in more pain than he is in. It's like knives in my throat, a frog in my stomach, and needles in my eyes. He saved me from myself, and now he's gone. Because of me. I was a wreck. I'm a mess without him. I need to run away. maybe I'll just walk..
maybe I'll drive to somewhere, I don't have money. Maybe ill just sleep in my car. I'm scared but I think I'll do it. I won't say goodbye to anyone. Everyone will wonder where I went. I want to disappear. I find myself praying to God, challenging Him to kill me because I don't have the courage to do it on my own; but I wish so badly that I were non-existent, just vanished.. gone. I feel like I'm going to cry myself into a coma. Oh God, I hope I do. If this is really the end.. I'll be gone by Monday. Not sure how, but one way... I'll vanish.

Edit: I'm scared. I'm so close to taking my bottle of migraine pills to put me to sleep. It's a gamble. Do I wake up if I do? I think he still loves me. I hope I'm not wrong. Survive for a few days. Try to get therapy before you're gone. Your mother still loves you.

i fucking hate my life, i dont believe anything i heard tonight.
i dont want any of them. i want jeff to love me as much as he used to
but he cant even pick up the god damn fucking phone.

dont even care to write about it. he's not going to take me back after the shit i said... and it's probably the best thing for me. somebody is going to really fall in love with me one day.

and i didnt cry. not one tear. i'm forcing myself out of love. i don't love you anymore.
nicole has done it and shes found someone to treat her real well.. i can too

you're stupid!!!

wow.. well, no change at all. The same stupid shit happened. I've never screamed so loud in my whole life. I've also never cried so hard in front of Nicole. Not exactly what I wanted her to see. So now it's proven though, he's not going to change for me. I'm always going to be accused of starting a fight when I don't, and I'm always wrong. I don't ever know what I'm talking about in his eyes. It's a one-way relationship with a dead end and I'm sure I've hit it. It's so simple to make everything okay too. Nicole told me to pull over cause he'll probably ask me to turn around and come back, and I told her she doesn't know Jeff. Of course, I was unfortunately right. I called to "fight" and that's what happened. I got hung up on and talked over numerous times, and even a denial of him yelling at me earlier for no reason (which he had apologized for , so it was obviously an empty unmeaningful apology.) I'm tired of this. I don't deserve this. I'm a good girlfriend.

I think this is the first unhappy entry without crying. Maybe I really am starting to get over this 'relationship'.

college drop out

I quit. Dad's going to be mad. I cannot take it though, it's just not for me. Sephora contacted me about recruiting me. I'm hoping it's a lot of money and they will eventually push me to managing and send me to work for a make-up company as a trainer/make-up artist. That would be amazing. I have high hopes, but I am worried about not going to school. I'm hoping I can find success without it.

Sinem- you really need to lose weight. A lot of it. Summer is here, and you're still a fat slob. Please start taking care of yourself.

And Jeff... I think things are different with us. I think we'll work. It's a little too soon to decide, but I'm so happy right now. Things are perfect.

!!!

I really think things will be different this time! I'm so excited.

i slept on it

....and I still feel the same. Wow, I think I'm almost there. It's sad. Any effort would save us, but there never is any. The 'I love you's and 'Sorry's don't work anymore. It's hard to see truth in them with no action. I'm exhausted.

thin ice

I'm not sure why i told him to come tonight if he cared. It would have been significant if I didn't tell him. Then it would have been proof. That's what I'd do if my relationship was on ice as thin as this. I'd come with his favorite candy and an I'm sorry note full of things I wish I'd done differently and show up by surprise to convince him to take me back. It's not quite the same. I have to stop giving him these "guidelines" to be the man he once was. It's not happening. And tonight's the night I'm finally going to accept it. Every day I come closer to that idea of a temporary[?] break that keeps dancing around in my head becoming a reality. Tonight I said it. I meant it. I mean it. He doesn't try to understand anything I feel though, to him I'm just emotional, but that's how any self-respecting girl in my place would feel when being called a bitch and yelled at about everything. I don't think if putting on a false smile will do it anymore. The ice is cracking and I can feel the water at my toes. I've never felt so much anger and pain built inside me as I did tonight when he hung up the phone while I was still talking, even though it has happened countless times before. I'm reaching the end. It could just be sadness and anger talking right now, as most of these entries usually are, but I doubt it. This break-idea seems legit.

Jeff's right; I'm always yelling and always crying about something, at least when I talk to him, or 80% of the time I'm with him. When I'm without him, I feel alone and sad... but sane. I'm hoping if this happens, he'll realize what I mean to him, whether it's a lot, or not at all. I'm praying he misses me, and appreciates what I go through and everything I do for him (for real).

I want to be respected and loved. To talk to me like a girl you care about. To seriously miss me sometimes, to be you're number one again, to want to see me smile, I want you to hurt when you make me cry. Shit. Fuck it.

I'm not keeping my fingers crossed. I'll wish, but I'm a big girl. I know there's no such things as shooting stars.

"I miss Jeff like crazy right now. It's nuts how I'll never ever get enough of him. I'm always worried he's going to tire of me soon."
"I dont even know wtf to say in here anymore. No more thoughts that need to be poured out. I'm not sad, and no need to constantly write how happy i am :]"
"I miss Jeff. I could cry everytime I think about how much it hurts not being with him. I'm so in love it's crazy. So happy. This is forever. :)

fuck me, right?
I have to make him "obey" me to actually want to spend time with me.
i fucking hate my life. I fucking hate it. I really do. I've cried for 3 fucking months straight. I fucking hate myself. What kind of fucking loser takes this? Other girlfriends get the world. I used to have the world. I have nothing except 3 hours of him texting his stupid fucking friends and making other plans as if he can't wait to get the fuck out. I was supposed to be the most important, I used to be important. I understand he missed his friends, but I don't get why you have to spend every fucking minute with them.

Oh my God, I want to go back in time and freeze it.
"It's crazy when I watch other couples. I feel like I'm the only person in the world lucky enough to experience this feeling, it just feels so... exclusive and special."
I can't believe it felt like this. I forgot. I really fucking forgot. Now i'm jealous when I see other couples."
"used to understand the term "bros before hoes" but we were young. Of course friendships were more important than relationships, because there wasn't a much of a chance of staying with that person permanently. Imagine your father using that phrase, putting a 'friend' ahead of your mother, his wife. wow, SHITTY. I'd never, ever, ever, ever put a friend in front of my one true love. I'm not saying my friendships that ARE worth something isn't important to me, because my friendship with Nicole is. I would never put Jeff in front of her feelings or Nicole in front of Jeff's. Both are equally important to me, but seriously, fuck everybody else. The rest of you are scum."

I FEEL LIKE A FUCKING RETARD. I WAS SO STUPID. WHY DIDNT HE TELL ME HE DIDN'T FEEL THE SAME BACK THEN?

i have to give up. it's hard when he can't understand how much he kills me inside. It drives me insane, I'm always at blame but I can't see it. I can't understand what I have to do to be a good girlfriend. The fact that I'm sad is what's ruining everything. I've been hysterical since 8:00pm, he was supposed to take me out, on a real date. I was so happy, so happy, when he said he wanted to do this for me. I don't know why I keep believing these things. Last night he hugged and kissed me, in public... and stayed with me most of the time. I thought things were getting better. I mean he did forget to take me out, but it's okay. Well.. it was. I don't know, or can't understand why it's so easy to kick me to the curb every night. Everyone in the house can hear me cry. It's so embarrassing. I just want to feel like I'm in a relationship again. I want to be happy. I'm so sad. I can barely breathe. I did my hair and make-up and sat around. I thought I looked pretty today, and i cried it all off. I can't do this. It hurts. I don't want to hate my life anymore. I don't want to feel like nobody anymore. I want to be important to somebody, him. But, right now.. it feels like anybody. I try so hard, and he doesn't see it. He doesn't care to think about me. He's so selfish. Oh God, it hurts.

i'm so in love.

you're an idiot.

I think I should wake up every morning and read my last entry. I seem to forget it the minute he says "I want to see you, I'm sorry, I love you" and I act like he cares about the way I feel. Seriously, I could write my last entry all over again and it would be tonight's. I'm a fucking retard.

Maybe if I can just completely realize it, I won't get so hurt every time.

i think i'll die tonight.

I'm never happy anymore. My life has turned into nothing. Nothing is important anymore. These past 3 days are making me feel as if I can live without him, but it's a life with nothing to look forward to. Looking forward to seeing him always ends in disappointment anyway; like tonight. He's insensitive to me, and it makes me so angry. I'm always mad now, before it was really just sad, but now I'm mad and really sad. I'm mad because I do so much, and I'm never appreciated and I don't get half of what I give back in return. He tries sometimes and I can't even tell you how happy I feel when he does, but most of the time he doesn't. He says I never admit when I'm wrong, but I'm always apologizing. Even when I'm not at fault. And that was the problem last night and tonight. When we last 'broke up', I told him and myself that I'll do anything and let him do what he wants to me. I'm the bitch. He's the one with the whip. It's awful and embarrassing. I wanted to cry when having sex with him the other day. It was awful. I felt no love. I felt like I was an object. I feel so emotionally abused. I know it's best for me to forget about him but I don't want to. We were so in love and I know this isn't him. I know he's a smart guy with a great sense of humor and was supposed to go so far in life. Who was supposed to be the daddy of my kids and my husband until I'm old and die. He's the one who said he'd give his life for me. But he says he can't change, and there's no forcing anyone to be someone they're not. Maybe he's right. Maybe I'm in denial. I'm sorry I ever met him sometimes, because if this doesn't work... I'll never love anybody like I loved him again. And I'll always wonder 'what if...' and wish he was the one I was spending my life with. I hate crying. I feel like my skin gets tougher everytime, but I'm so weak. I've never loved life the way I did when he came into my life. I wish I never lived sometimes. What am I supposed to do with my life? Go to school and work and sleep. For the rest of my life. I don't want this. I don't want to live that. I dont want life sometimes. I'm so sad. Being sad is the worst feeling. It's like everyone you love in the world just abandoned you, and you're alone in darkness with an empty gun in your hand.

he'll never care about me the way i do for him. he'll never take care of me, i need to be independent. he's never going to be wrong no matter what, I have to stop trying to let him realize how sad he makes me, even if he does realize he's not going to fix it. I have to stop telling him when I'm sad and learn to put a smile on my face even when I'm crying.

Love doesn't sound so great.
The worst part is, he'll get mad at me for telling him how I feel and call me crazy.

fucking..

I hate that I'm always post-poned. As if I couldn't find something else to do than sitting the fuck around. I want to do something with my days off... not wait around. I hate my life. It really turned out to be a real drag.

oh, and that photographer never wrote back.

fucking i could cry again. Why lie? Is something really going on?? I trusted you.. maybe I shouldn't have

YOU'RE CRAZY

Everything is almost better than ever. I've given up on hoping for change, but with that, he's trying to meet me half way. And accepting the blame when things go a bit wrong and letting me know he's thankful for me. And I appreciate him so much. I'm so happy it wasn't the end.

On a lighter note! I'm testing with a published photographer on Wendsday. Jeez I'm so nervous, just thinking about it makes my palms sweat and my stomach queasy. If he likes me, that means editorial shoots and moneymoneymoney. As well as often traveling!! LA here i FINALLY come! I hope. I'm not going to get my hopes too high up. I'm still young and have a lot to learn and a lot of experience to gain.

I'm working with the fabulous Stacy Leigh for 2 upcoming shoots. One is with a not so hot model, but I'm getting paid; plus, with me and Stacy, I think she might just maybe have some potential? (not to be rude) Then, Aymi. Which I'm pretty excited about. I think I just like shooting with Asians. Maybe I'm trying to replace Cecelia! :x She was a great model. I also have another shoot coming up on Sunday, which shouldn't be anything too crazy, but the model is a friend of a friend.. and she's Asian, and super cute. And I could totally end up wanting to chill with her. She seems pretty cool.

Hm, all this and balancing school, job, being a mommy, paying traffic tickets, and dealing with boyfriend stress/time. I think school is honestly the least in my priorities right now. I hate it. I hope I become big and famous soon. Jeff is always my number one. Job is probably 2nd or 3rd. Maybe in between. I'm rambling. Basically... I'm busy. The end.

fuck it, right?

So, the end. I felt strong at first. But now I'm sobbing like a baby. This could have been avoided, it was such a stupid reason to fight. If both of us just kept our mouth's shut. If I hadn't turned around, things would have been talked over in my room. It is my fault. I made a mistake, but I can't be the one to always run back. I need to know he cares. I need to know he wants this. I was willing to change for him, but he wasn't willing to change for me. There was no in between. It was all me or nothing. So I guess this is why I'm at nothing. God closes one door and opens another, right? It's so hard to see some truth in that. There's no one else I want. I should have fucked him last night. I told him "tomorrow". How was I to know I'd never feel his touch again. Those perfect hands, his neck, his shoulders and arms. This is heartbreak like no other because I know it's for real this time. Maybe being alone will do me some good. I'll save my money and move away. I wish I didn't love him. I wish I never met him. I wish I never saw him. I wish I could erase him from my memory. I know he'll be there and in my heart for the rest of my life. This is so hard.

seesaw

I'm finding it difficult to trust. I keep going back and forth. What if he fucked her? I can't imagine it being true, but I can't get the image out of my head. She's gotta be really skinny, and on top of him. Drunk. Maybe her hair covering her face made it possible? Shit, I'm killing myself. Giving myself a whole story to work with. I trust him, but then I call myself a dip-shit.

I'm losing weight. The unhealthy way. And I couldn't feel any better.

the end.

This just may be it. I can't say it's any easier. I won't be able to sleep tonight. I think it's that I expect him to care, that's what hurts the most, the fact that he doesn't. Here's to starting all over again. maybe I'll find mr.right for real. It won't be easy, I feel like no one is trustworthy. If he wasn't, who is?

get over yourself.

I'm being overdramatic. But, I'm not so sure what about. I can't escape the feeling of sadness and fatigue. I have the inability to be comfortable in my skin. I wonder how much longer until I lose the last of what I have left in my life. The only two who matter, are trying to push each other out. It's a war of he said she said and sneakyness. I just want life to stop moving without me. I want it to stay in place and wait. I hate sitting at home alone. I have nothing left because I revolved my life around him. It's sad that I gave my life away already. It's just so hard to adjust. It's hard to feel wanted, desired, and loved when phone calls are ignored and text messages with hearts and i love you's aren't received. It's numbing me a little. I'm not so sure about marriage anymore. I want it, more than anything... but I'm not 100% sure it will end up down that path. Sometimes I feel I'll never marry. I blame myself. I wear too much make-up, I'm too fat, I don't dress nice, my hair is never done, my room is always a mess. I feel good for nothing. I have so much to do. My room needs to be cleaned and I need to start all my homework (which is a lot). I'm too sad to do anything. I'm too tired to do anything. All I ever want to do is sleep my day away. I try so hard not to wake up in the morning. I think I'll actually go to bed now.