i think i'll die tonight.

I'm never happy anymore. My life has turned into nothing. Nothing is important anymore. These past 3 days are making me feel as if I can live without him, but it's a life with nothing to look forward to. Looking forward to seeing him always ends in disappointment anyway; like tonight. He's insensitive to me, and it makes me so angry. I'm always mad now, before it was really just sad, but now I'm mad and really sad. I'm mad because I do so much, and I'm never appreciated and I don't get half of what I give back in return. He tries sometimes and I can't even tell you how happy I feel when he does, but most of the time he doesn't. He says I never admit when I'm wrong, but I'm always apologizing. Even when I'm not at fault. And that was the problem last night and tonight. When we last 'broke up', I told him and myself that I'll do anything and let him do what he wants to me. I'm the bitch. He's the one with the whip. It's awful and embarrassing. I wanted to cry when having sex with him the other day. It was awful. I felt no love. I felt like I was an object. I feel so emotionally abused. I know it's best for me to forget about him but I don't want to. We were so in love and I know this isn't him. I know he's a smart guy with a great sense of humor and was supposed to go so far in life. Who was supposed to be the daddy of my kids and my husband until I'm old and die. He's the one who said he'd give his life for me. But he says he can't change, and there's no forcing anyone to be someone they're not. Maybe he's right. Maybe I'm in denial. I'm sorry I ever met him sometimes, because if this doesn't work... I'll never love anybody like I loved him again. And I'll always wonder 'what if...' and wish he was the one I was spending my life with. I hate crying. I feel like my skin gets tougher everytime, but I'm so weak. I've never loved life the way I did when he came into my life. I wish I never lived sometimes. What am I supposed to do with my life? Go to school and work and sleep. For the rest of my life. I don't want this. I don't want to live that. I dont want life sometimes. I'm so sad. Being sad is the worst feeling. It's like everyone you love in the world just abandoned you, and you're alone in darkness with an empty gun in your hand.

he'll never care about me the way i do for him. he'll never take care of me, i need to be independent. he's never going to be wrong no matter what, I have to stop trying to let him realize how sad he makes me, even if he does realize he's not going to fix it. I have to stop telling him when I'm sad and learn to put a smile on my face even when I'm crying.

Love doesn't sound so great.
The worst part is, he'll get mad at me for telling him how I feel and call me crazy.