nobody but you knows about this blog.
I won't be writing about you anymore, I promise.
I tried to remain on a friendly level, but you can't help being a dick.
it's just your personality now i suppose!

I can easily say nothing you've ever told me means anything to me anymore.
stay out of my life. i've had enough.

my last love letter

Dear Jeffrey,
I've finally calmed and the tears slowed down; I can think a little more clearly now. It's hard to explain what I feel, but I know it's a hundred times worse than what you're feeling. You can laugh, joke, smile and drink. I can barely keep the little food I ate from rising up from my stomach to my mouth. It's unfair to myself to love you so much, and see nothing in return. Although I am pathetic and was willing for that uneven exchange, you've let me go. Something I should have done. I can't understand how somebody I've loved for 2 years, can end things over a text message. It hurts so much more when it's so unexpected, and then to be lied to! Why did you tell me you don't want to see me sad, when in reality, you were out? Why do you leave so many questions unanswered, as if you like playing this sick fucking game with my head. I feel like I'll never be happy again, but everyone tells me I'll have better than ever. Should I act big and tall and tell you I'm moving on and I hope it hurts? Or should I tell you the truth and let you know how hopeless I feel. How I don't want to smile with anybody but you. And how I wish you'd disappear from my memories. I wish to God you didn't make me miss you for three days. The excitement of finally seeing you again was so much. And then to have it torn and ripped apart like this... I think it killed whatever was left of me. Tonight you told me you couldn't love me anymore. I'm not going to lie... I wish I could hurt you the way you hurt me. Noone is going to love you like I did. Nobody is going to care about your life the way I did. Nobody is going to take care of you. And nobody is going to put up with the shit you put me through. But you won't care. You've never appreciated me. Where is my real second chance? Wasn't I a good person? Didn't I give you everything you needed? I thought you really loved me. It's unbelievable that you don't. But it's something I need to accept. I really wanted a real good-bye, but I'll never get one. I wonder what you'll feel when you see me with someone new. Will you care? I wonder what you'll feel when you hear of a wedding with a man that isn't you. I wonder if you'll be happy if I'm successful or sad for me if I'm not. I wonder if you'll think of how big teddy must be. I wonder if you'll miss me. Bye Jeff.

Love [but trying not to always and forever];
Sinem

So, I have given up on myself. I've become "that girl". The one who jumps when told to with no questions asked, at the risk of starting another battle. I realize that I am the one at fault. It's what I deserve for asking "why?". The answers are never what I wish they would be, just exactly what I know they are. I never realized what a hopeful person I am. I kept looking around for change but all I did was lose myself. It's sad.. because I'm alright with it. I'm perfectly fine. It's sad because even though I'm still crying, it's not all the time. It's sad because I'm dealing with being less important than everything else to the one person who means the world to me. It's sad because when I told him I'd take a bullet for him, I actually meant it. And what makes things even sadder, is that after being proven not to mean as much, I still would. To make matters worse, that doesn't mean anything in anybody's eyes other than I have quite possibly gone crazy, or that I'm pathetic. I'm dealing with these feelings though, and I'm trying to stop being upset about it. I'm fine.

I just miss being special.

It sucks when you're so in love, you'll take any kind of disrespect to keep him.