sometimes I just want to cry. My stress reaches such a high point and it really takes over my body. I just want to get away. I want to re-do life. Sometimes I can't see the importance in friends, maybe it's because I don't have many real ones. I think what I miss most about the past is being cared about. So is the feeling I was afraid of? Waking up next to someone else thinking of the old love, reminding myself he's gone.

So, my dad is showing my portfolio to a make-up artist recruiter for celebrities and agencies. Underneath all of this negativity I have hope for a better life.

i have so many friends but i never really want to see any of them. (besides Nicole). The only reason I do is so I keep my mind occupied. I don't even want to go to the Halloween party anymore. I don't want to hang out with anyone. I think I'm just in the mood to mope. Maybe I'm lonely. I'm not desperate enough to call these boys up though. C'mon God, send me someone new. Someone I like.

If you aren't a new boy, get the fuck away from meee!! please; seriously. take a fucking hint. all of you. back the fuck off! get off my dick and quit sweatin' me.


ANYWAY;
A psychic stopped me at the mall the other day and told me I was jaded. Correct. Also that i've suffered from someone for the past 6 months. Correct. She felt the need to stop me so she can let me know I'm going to be okay. Which I know, but it was nice of her. A complete stranger to be so concerned. Poor girl must not be able to go anywhere without needing to tell someone something. I believe in her. She was a normal girl.. pushing her son in his stroller trying to shop. I've been told by a handful of random psychics on the street about how strong my 'aura' is, and they practically beg me to let them read me.. it's freaky. She told me a little more which made me feel skeptical but she described someone's personality exactly. I won't say what she told me until it's confirmed whether it's true or false. This did make me want to go to a psychic again though.

Working like a maniac.. 24/7
drives me insane but keeps me from losing my mind at the same time. I feel as though I'm turning into everyone else. I've put photoshoots on hold so I can enjoy my life. I can't help being nervous and feeling guilty. I'm not abandoning my dreams, but I have to convince myself that.

it's strange, in high school i always had a crush on someone or someone to persue. Now I don't find interest in anyone! Not past boys not present boys. I'm still kissin on one, it doesn't mean much to me, or anything at all. I can't help feeling like an asshole about it. I'm barely even attracted. I'd never sleep with any of these boys.

...so exes are exes for reasons right? He's kinda cute. and made me laugh. Maybe i'm vulnerable. It was nice though

life is pretty nice. I feel better without Jeff in it. I'm taking it more of a death than a regular breakup. I feel like the Jeff I loved is dead, and there's nothing I can do about it. I'll always love that boy and he'll always be in my heart and my memories. The new Jeff, I absolutely hate.. so sometimes i'll get sad for my loss but I'll never cry wishing for him to be mine.

So wah wah done talking about it. So much attention coming at me from friendships, to boy interests. It's great. I love being able to call my friends and just go out for a walk, a party, or a sleep over. It's also awesome talking to some new kids, as well as some old. Hang outs planned, numbers exchanged. Back in the game and loving it. What makes it so much better, is I don't settle and I sure as hell am not a dirtbag about it. Life is always kept busy and it's great. I feel like a free spirit again. I finally feel 20.

I enjoy my friends.


You can honestly say that things are running smoothly for you?
they're not smooth, but it's not rough either.


What's your view on taking risks?
fuck it, i do what i want.


Are you a Gatorade drinker?
i hate that shit.


You see a shooting star, do you make a wish?
nah, not really.

Are you a big fan of snowstorms or thunderstorms?
snow storms.

When it rains, do you go out and start to dance?
no, i throw my hood up.

Are you a morning person or a night person?
i'm an all day person.

Whose bed did you last sleep in other than your own?
jeff's. well technically mine.


Where is the next place you will travel to?
hopefully california.


Have you cried today at all?
yes.


What is something you currently want?
something fattening to eat. more beer. more partying.

What was the last thing you bought?
cigarettes and pizza hut. lol sounds so white trash.


Where are your parents?
sleeping.


What was the best movie you have seen in the past months?
dark knight; i don't watch many movies.

Are you going to have a good night?
night's over. i'd say i had a pretty good night.

Do you have strange dreams?
no, i have hopeful dreams.

Are you happy?
I am content. but i'm not happy. my heart hurts for someone's life.

If you could move somewhere else, would you?
yes. but not yet.

Do you know if anyone likes you?
yeah, a few. it's not what i want.


How long until your birthday?
4 months!


How old is the cell phone you have right now?
a couple days old haha, brand new cause i broke my old one.

How many funerals have you been to in your lifetime?
none.


Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
not really. i feel like things just happen to go wrong.


Where was your default picture taken?
my room.


What are your plans for the weekend?
i'm not sure. i'm positive i'll be working though -__-


So far, have you had a good day?
it could have been slightly better, but i hung with jason aron at night which was cool.


Will you be in bed within twenty minutes?
i wanna say yes, but probably not.


Who were you with at 4am?
sleeping.


Last CD you listened to?
i think it was bayside with jason.

Do you miss someone?
yes, RIP Jeff.

Do you have any bruises?
yeah idno where i got it from

What is tomorrow?
thursday?

What are you doing later?
sleeping.


Where are you at right now?
my room


Describe the shirt you're wearing:
white deep v-neck.

Who do you blame for your bad mood today?
i'm not in a bad mood right now. but earlier, jeff.

What’s your favorite season?
autumn.


What time did you go to sleep last night?
late.

Do you think that you're a good person?
yes. i'm the best. maybe not anymore.

If the year consisted of only one season, which would you choose?
fall.


Do you hate being alone?
tough, i'm not sure.

Is there a girl that knows everything or mostly everything about you?
yeah; Nicole.

Are you slowly drifting away from someone close?
slowly? nah, rapidly.

How many cell phones have you had in your life?
about a million.

Do you currently have a hickey?
nope, keep off ugly boyz.

You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life, what do you pick?
lattes.

Do you think the drinking age should be lowered to 18?
19.

What is one thing you would love to happen today?
idno, meet a cute boy to fool around with.

What side of the bed do you sleep on?
all over the place.

What' s the last thing you laughed really hard over?
probably something Nicole did.

People make me so fucking mad. I lost my wallet, and my dad is making a huge scene about it in front of my aunt and uncle at the table asking:
"so what do you do about your license?"
"i dont know.. what do i do dad?"
"yeah, you don't know. why would you know?"
"...listen, instead of asking all these pointless questions why dont you just tell me what to do?"
then i get bitched at for being an asshole.. meanwhile they aren't making any sense and just flat out pissing me the fuck off. He started going off about how he has to do everything, wahwah. I didn't ask him to do shit. I have a short temper as of late, they need to step off me before I kill somebody.
I've had a great week regardless of my shitty attitude and outlook on life. Got wasted with Jason, next day drank with John, then partied with highschool buds, then last night I went out with Nicole, Chris, Luke, and JoeyL for his birthday. Hibachi is cool. It was a fun time, had a mai tai. So good. Today is slow, nothing is really going on. I can't expect much for a Sunday night though. I'm going to April's to have her fix my hair up. I have no money to give her. =\ wallet is goneee. this is pretty shitty but I think i've felt worse recently so i'm not experiencing it 100%. fuck you life.

today was the first day that I actually got upset. While in the shower I shed a whimper and a tear or two, but it got lost in the water and drowned out by the echoes of it hitting the shower floor. So I picked my head up, turned the water off, dried off, and started my day. This is the toughest I've been. Although I have so many questions, I don't care to ask. I know there won't be an answer, and nothing can be said to excuse it. I think what actually upset me, is the fact that he just didn't care. He felt no guilt. He knowingly hurt me. I can't seem to comprehend how someone that cares for another lies with a straight face to them knowing the hurt it could potentially cause them. I've always wanted to run to Jeff for comfort, to save me. I was running to the enemy all along. He never cared about me, he never loved me.