i'm blank. i dont know what to say or think, i don't know how to act or re-act. Life just seems to happen and I just follow it. It's boring, and a little on the alone side. I've learned I don't have excuses for these things. It's always my own fault. I won't deem anyone worthy of getting close to me. I refuse to even consider it. I miss the boy I loved. It's hard because I really do sometimes wish he just didn't exist. my life wouldn't feel so overwhelmed or complicated. nostalgia would be the summer breeze, or popsicles, or crayons. Normal things people get nostalgic over, kid stuff.. but me, I'm missing the feeling of his touch, his smile, and the words "i love you always". Broken-hearted kind of stuff. It's been too long to be thinking like this. And there's going to be a lot more thoughtful nights to follow, this is evident. I am in the 'Niclen' situation. The one I told him I didn't want and knew was coming. It'll be years until this is completely out of my system, but it'll all eventually be done with and okay. I'm glad I have Nicole to keep me going. She's been here, and done this. Only she didn't have the guidance she's giving me so kudos to her.

Sometimes I try to understand, and I really need to just realize, "STOP." because it doesn't matter.